January 27, 2006 3:35 PM GMT
While me mum still doesn't want me to talk about being TS around certain people, others are not only figuring it out, but accepting it.
My 17 year old nephew has no problems with it. I believe my 19 year old neice is figuring it out, especially since she smelled my nail polish last night when she stopped by the house. I also find myself being more and more "feminine" every day, from the way I walk to general mannerisms.
But the one big thing is my friend, the one whose house I lived at for a while. While he still doesn't buy into the whole TG issue, he has accepted it to the point where he even said he is willing to venture out with me fully dressed as Meredith. He doesn't believe we're really of a different gender, and I don't try to convince him. He did make it clear that I am not to try anything while as a woman. I calmly explained that there is a difference between gender identity and sexuality. Besides, if I wanted a man, I'd like to think I can do better than him! Even more, Chicago has a sizable gay community. I could go to any number of places for a pickup.
I spoke to my old college friend a few days ago. He knows I am TS, and is cool with it. In fact, I have an invitation to visit his house in a few weeks and meet his new wife and family.
"Breakfast on Pluto" is no longer in Chicago theatres, so I guess I'll have to wait for the DVD. But me mum did say she'll go to "Transamerica" with me.
All I have to do is get through the day tomorrow. I'm going out to my house to see my kid. While I'm talking nice to what's-her-name once again, it should still be interesting.
January 27, 2006 7:23 PM GMT
Some tolerable level of acceptance from my mother and my sisters - that is much the feeling I'm left with too, Meredith. With my father I simply don't speak. And I'm really not looking for his acceptance.
Like you're saying, Sandra, women show a more positive and welcoming attitude. But then, after all, we are saying that we identify with them, that they're our kin. It's almost as if being a spy coming in from the cold...
Linda
Sabina
January 27, 2006 8:31 PM GMT
I'm glad so many relationships are going well, Mere. You were overdue for some that did. We have to accept that there will be some relationship casualties as we come out to people we have known, but it does seem that most people accept it. The question is how many will drift away rather than deal with the uncomfortable feelings they have. Well, the real friends will stay. The ones that go, for anyone, are probably the ones not worth keeping.
January 27, 2006 8:43 PM GMT
Yes, Sandra, that is exactly how I feel. I even wrote a short text more than ten years ago:
What about us, feeling and thinking, this same moment in time ?
A very painful state when expected to act like a man.
No more... never again...
Linda
Sabina
January 27, 2006 11:54 PM GMT
In my teens I did try to be "rational" and "realistic". I can even remember looking up those words in a dictionary when I was thirteen years old. "Realistic and rational" - what it really meant was that I had to be realistic about my "impossible wishes". It also meant isolating from those my own age, using all my time on studying and physical exercise. In a sense a clear division between mind and body. I did, however, have one vent for my emotions: I can remember thinking when I left home that without my ten year younger sister my life would have been like a deserted island. Still, my first choice of carreer was distinctly "rational". I started out in economics after my military service. But at the same time I was also studying philosophy - sort of thinking of it as a "personal interest". Eventually I decided on architecture - as this seemed a subject where I could combine my abilities - and live a life dedicated to art. Seemed a rational thought at the time... The short text I mentioned - I wrote that after three years or so of studying architecture.
...
Attempting to return, to the subject of this thread: The rationalism, the way I see it, always was about lack of acceptance - the denial of our dreams. Not reasonable, certainly not sensible, but possibly the only realistic choice at the time.
Linda
Sabina
January 28, 2006 3:23 PM GMT
These past few days I've been back to exchanging not so pleasant words with the soon-to-be-ex. She made a remark this morning that I'm reverting to my old "smart ass" self.
Smart ass? Oh, so that's what it means to stand up for myself and fight back. Ever since last August 29 (when this nightmare began) I've been labeled not as an asshole, but a f'g asshole, and one who does it 24/7. I'm tired of it. So if standing up for who I am means I'm a jerk, then so be it. I'll be going over to the house in a few minutes for a visit. This ought to be very interesting.
I used to label myself as a misanthropic anarchist. There are many benefits to that.
January 28, 2006 4:00 PM GMT
Both people I'm staying with here know. I would not feel right talking with them. But they don't care.
January 28, 2006 5:38 PM GMT
I must make it clear again that the TG issue is only one of many other issues. There are others that are more serious.
I'm at the house right now. Things are quite calm. I've even been making little remarks here and there, and she knows I'm coming on the site to visit quickly.
I guess my point is that after being kicked in the ass so much for so long these past few months I've more than had enough.
I'm just venting. Sorry.
January 28, 2006 5:59 PM GMT
You are fighting for your life, Mere. It's ok to take care of yourself.
January 28, 2006 7:30 PM GMT
Mere - it's healthy to vent....go for it. Try to refrain from raising your voice and using four letter words. Be nice but do vent. Your anger will eat you up if you dont.
lol
January 29, 2006 7:08 PM GMT
Wendy is right - I am fighting for my life.
I am so sick and tired of being blamed for everything by everyone, and I've had enough. I'm tired of them trying to change me into something I'm not.
When this nightmare began I had to take a lot of crap. Now I don't have to.
I admit I've been a bit belligerent. But, in my opinion, for good reason. Karen Brad, though, wisely mentioned that keep any tiffs with my wife - of which there were a couple yesterday - away from my kid. Just give one word answers. I'm trying to do that.
I'm almost fully out. When that happens this will all probably start all over again.
