December 14, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
This is nothing but her heterosexism. Sorry, but if your wife refuses to see you and love you as the real you despite the fact that she really knows you than F*k her.
I have stayed out of this one, simply because I have never been in that position. Generally women marry men, men fall in love with women, Some women will accept, cross dressing, might encourage it in the privacy of their own bedroom. whatever, but they generally don't seek a relationship with other women. The paranoia and feeling of betrayal must be terrible for the wife.
Its an impossible situation you find yourself in. If you forgo your natural instincts, you could end up resentful, she would end up dreading the future on the basis that one day you will have to finally surrender to the urge to be yourself. The above quote, honestly is not very helpful, when two people love each other. Generally in a Hetero relationship, people form relationships for who AND WHAT their partner is.
Some are lucky, their wives love them for who they are and not what they are, some instances of some amazing relationships on here in the Gender society. Wives being supportive and ending up more like sister, whatever.
Firs thing is to get counceling, then examine what the future would be like for you and her if you stayed married and suppressed your urges. Would you be content? does'nt sound like it. Would she forever be paranoid about what the future holds, have you got children, does she want children, so many things to consider.. Would she resent you for instance having liasons with a man, to fulfill your perceived gender? would you resent her taking a lover because you are no longer able to maintain her physical needs?
I have never been one to advocate go for it, things and situation like this are fraught with problems. The fact she has offered you an amicable way out is all credit to her understanding.
I wish you happiness and contentment, her as well whatever you decide
December 13, 2010 9:26 AM GMT
Thank you all very much, your words of advice and encouragement have helped me a great deal. The links that have been shared with me by the members here have also helped me move along. I have used the information to choose a therapist who has actually exchanged emails with me in this holiday season to the point where I was comfortable enough to book 3 months worth of double sessions starting January 8th. As far as my wife is concerned I agree, take it slow and honestly answer her questions. I would hope she would walk with me on any journey I may be taking, but as she has already informed me she has no desire to live with a woman in realty or by appearance and is already pulling away from me emotionally to "protect her heart". We have been talking in person or on the phone almost constantly since my coming out to her and at this time I believe she is leaning towards an amicable divorce. Not what I wish, but I will of course respect her choices and she respects mine.
December 12, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
Hi Kelly,
When I first came out to my wife, she jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to eventually live as a woman, even though I hadn't yet come to that conclusion myself. At that time, I was still in a state of confusion as to what was going on inside me. I guess my wife knew more about me (Michelle) than I did.
She felt a sense of loss of her husband and best friend, as well as a host of emotions around our relationship. She wanted to know who knew about Michelle, what did it mean for her, etc... The discussion turned somewhat mean as she first said it must be the work of the devil. Since then, she has softened significantly. Now she realizes that I didn't die and it wasn't an evil thing, but that Michelle has been a part of us in the blended person she loves and that I love her dearly.
The social reality of me wanting to live as Michelle full time and possibly transition poses questions for her and raised issues such as:
1. Do I want to become a woman? (Open Question).
2. Can she cope with being married to a woman? What does it mean for the marriage? Will it be legal?
3. Will her friends and co-workers label her as a lesbian?
4. What are the long term relationships with the rest of the family going to be like and can she live with that.
Overall, she has said that she wants Michelle to be happy, but has not warmed up to going out publicly with me. So Kelly, take things slow, as you wife needs time to process her feelings and will need help understanding Kelly and your futures together. I hope that she chooses to walk with you on your journey ahead and wish you a peaceful Holiday season.
Take Care,
Michelle Lynn
December 12, 2010 9:22 PM GMT
Kelly,
First of all, congratulations and good luck!
As for the relationship with your wife, give it time. Let her approach the subject first. Don't rub it in her face. She needs time to take all this in. This doesn't mean you have to deny yourself, just please let her deal with it in her own way. Answer all questions honestly.
Mere
December 12, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
Hi Kelly
You have taken a big scary step in telling your wife and you have asked her to take her own big scary step. I hope your journey brings peace to you and your wife without heartache.
Hugs Jeri
December 12, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
I see 2 things in your post. perhaps I maybe off base on either of them.
First, I wonder why you bring this up to her just before she is to leave to be with family.
Second you make it quite clear "crossdressing" not transitioning, or desires to be a woman etc. Yet you also bring up "being married to a woman"
As a Crossdresser myself, I just don't see any corolation between the two.
December 12, 2010 12:10 AM GMT
It could be far worse, Kelly. This is definitely a "glass half-full" scenario.
December 11, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
I came out to my wife of many years yesterday. I have always tried being as honest as I can with my wife as in my mind she is my life partner, united front, the two of us against the world. Prior to our getting married I informed here fully of my crossdressing desires and foolishly thought I could just quit doing it agreeing with my wife that if she quit smoking I would quit crossdressing. I was an idiot. I know now that my crossdressing was not a fetish of any sort, I feel my best dressed as a woman because that is what I truly am inside, After a very tearful conversation last night we agreed to seriously put some thought into the situation and discuss it when she returns Monday from visiting family. My wife and I love each other very much but she does not desire to be married to a woman and informed me she does not want to be blamed in later years for "holding me back" that she loves me enough to let me go and be what I need to be. We agreed that neither of us wants to cause any embarassment to the other and will keep it between the two of us for now. I am crushed at losing a relationship with the woman I love, elated at being free to be me after half a life of lies, and scared to death of what happens next.
[email protected]
December 16, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
I am feeling emotions of happiness and sorrow as finished reading your post and responses. My greatest fear is losing family and because of this I repress myself and yes at times it puts me into a depressed state that causes trouble daily life, happiness. I fear that it is getting worse. I am happy for you that you are seeking therapy and hope you can sort things out clearly. I am saddened that you are on the path to lose your love and friend but how can you walk two roads. I hope your love / wife will go with you to some sessions. Best wishes on your journey.