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I know I've never been the most active woman on this board; I tend to participate in spurts. But, I've always called it home when it comes to my female life. I know I can come here and get a perspective on the realities of transitioning and living as a woman, as opposed to the fantasy world of fetishism (not that such bothers me, just not my thing).
For the last several months, I've been working away from home on a contract job. This is not dissimilar to when I worked in Saudi Arabia. OTOH, it is completely different. In Saudi, I couldn't really live as a woman, though I did my best inside my apartment. Here, though, I have lived nearly every moment outside of work as a woman. I have started going to the grocery store, renting movies, general shopping - all as a woman. This is the most liberated I have felt in my entire life.
I realize I don't pass. I know I get read. But, really, I am okay with that, for now. I am always subtle. I never dress younger than my age. I don't dress like a slut. I am not going out in fetishware. I dress like a real woman of 52 would dress. I wear make-up, which is simple and looks pretty darned good if I have to say so myself. (Don't ask for a photo. I've realized I take HORRIBLE photos. Ghastly, really.).
The response has been pretty good, actually. No one has freaked out. No one has been rude, yet. No one has refused to serve me. The people with whom I've interacted have been very polite, if tentative. Today, as I rented a movie from Red Box, which I had never done before, a very nice lady helped me and didn't seem to be taken aback even though I knew she read me.
None of this is to shock anyone. That's the last thing on my mind. I have just reached a point where I have to BE a woman. And, this brings me to the point of this post.
My wonderful wife is as understanding as she can be. She acknowledges the legitimacy of my condundrum. She wants me to see a therapist about my transgenderism, but we don't have health insurance or the money right now. We live in a small town, and I know that, for her benefit, I have to go back into the closet when I get home (my contract is about to end). I don't know how to do that, though. I have realized that I really want to transition. I want to live as a woman. I am comfortable living as a woman - even if I am not the perfect example of one.
The other problem here is that she is very heterosexual...not that she has a problem with gayness...just that she, personally, sits on the very straight end of the curve. So, I, as a woman, am not sexually attractive to her. I totally get that. OTOH, we both love each other dearly. We have talked about restructuring our marriage agreement to be more open, and we've actually put that into practice this past month. I've seen a couple of guys, which I really enjoyed. And, I've realized I am okay with her seeing someone, too. But, both of us know the risk in such a relationship.
So, I know this sounds like a crazy rant and may not make much sense. But, I am at a turning point in my life, and I really don't think I can go back to the life I knew before, regardless the consequences. I've known I was transgendered my whole life. Why, oh why, did it take me half a centurty to come to this point? Why couldn't I have had the guts to do this at twenty.
Sorry. Thanks for letting me go on. I love you all.
Jessi
HI Jessi,
It is great that you get to live as Jessi. Once you have let Jessi out of the bottle so to speak, it is going to be very hard to contain her. IF you are prepared to do the open marriage thing, be prepared (going into it) knowing that your wife may really want a hetero relationship and once her needs are being fulfilled elsewhere, it is going to be difficult to keep your relationship with her alive. There are a few couples that have navigated this successfully, but many more have decided that they are hurting each other more and more. Good luck and I wish you success, as Living a Life that seems to be someone else's really hurts as well. Such is the conundrum that us T-Girls have to face.
Good Luck,
Michelle
Hi Jessi, Golly, this is something that I have experienced first hand. I know I am opening up some very personnel info here but I see it may help you.
My wife and I were swinging for some time, and everything went well. Now this is something you might take a look at. We had rules, and after some time went by we both got very comfortable with the life style, an broke the rules.
Sooo we started going off by ourselves, this is where the problem starts, just to much private intimacy, and we split up for a while. After we got back together, she told me that she did not want to be in the way and thought this to be in my best interest.
Well this put me into a deep depression ( before we got back ) and I made the 3rd attempt at suicide ( this attempt is posted ) but it was very serious attempt. Basically played Russian roulette, an thought if it was my time to go, well I put the gun into my mouth and pulled the trigger. A struggle of being myself and being without the one I loved.
Something to think long and hard about, it is a very slippery slope. You must ask yourself, as I did. I was 60 at the time and thought about this long an hard, after some therapy I might add. Do I want to be alone the rest of my life, I wanted someone special to be with and die with. I did a balancing act for this long, I could finish my life that way. I have had a lot of cosmetic surgery, and I had a lot of men chasing me an still do, but as I have seen, these do not usually last long term.
You must ask yourself some very serious questions with complete honesty. Basically you might not know what your losing until you lose it.
Hope this helps, an good luck.....Huggs Tammy
P.S. If you think for one moment that you could not ever try suicide, when you get to that point of depression, it is so very easy, you feel such a relief, a burden lifted, a way out, even euphoria.....it's very easy.
