I know I've never been the most active woman on this board; I tend to participate in spurts.  But, I've always called it home when it comes to my female life.  I know I can come here and get a perspective on the realities of transitioning and living as a woman, as opposed to the fantasy world of fetishism (not that such bothers me, just not my thing).

 

For the last several months, I've been working away from home on a contract job.  This is not dissimilar to when I worked in Saudi Arabia.  OTOH, it is completely different.  In Saudi, I couldn't really live as a woman, though I did my best inside my apartment. Here, though, I have lived nearly every moment outside of work as a woman.  I have started going to the grocery store, renting movies, general shopping - all as a woman.  This is the most liberated I have felt in my entire life.

 

I realize I don't pass.  I know I get read.  But, really, I am okay with that, for now.  I am always subtle.  I never dress younger than my age.  I don't dress like a slut.  I am not going out in fetishware.  I dress like a real woman of 52 would dress.  I wear make-up, which is simple and looks pretty darned good if I have to say so myself.  (Don't ask for a photo.  I've realized I take HORRIBLE photos.  Ghastly, really.).

 

The response has been pretty good, actually.  No one has freaked out.  No one has been rude, yet.  No one has refused to serve me.  The people with whom I've interacted have been very polite, if tentative.  Today, as I rented a movie from Red Box, which I had never done before, a very nice lady helped me and didn't seem to be taken aback even though I knew she read me.

 

None of this is to shock anyone.  That's the last thing on my mind.  I have just reached a point where I have to BE a woman.  And, this brings me to the point of this post.

 

My wonderful wife is as understanding as she can be.  She acknowledges the legitimacy of my condundrum.  She wants me to see a therapist about my transgenderism, but we don't have health insurance or the money right now.  We live in a small town, and I know that, for her benefit, I have to go back into the closet when I get home (my contract is about to end).  I don't know how to do that, though.  I have realized that I really want to transition.  I want to live as a woman.  I am comfortable living as a woman - even if I am not the perfect example of one. 

 

The other problem here is that she is very heterosexual...not that she has a problem with gayness...just that she, personally, sits on the very straight end of the curve.  So, I, as a woman, am not sexually attractive to her.  I totally get that.  OTOH, we both love each other dearly.  We have talked about restructuring our marriage agreement to be more open, and we've actually put that into practice this past month.  I've seen a couple of guys, which I really enjoyed.  And, I've realized I am okay with her seeing someone, too.  But, both of us know the risk in such a relationship.

 

So, I know this sounds like a crazy rant and may not make much sense.  But, I am at a turning point in my life, and I really don't think I can go back to the life I knew before, regardless the consequences.  I've known I was transgendered my whole life.  Why, oh why, did it take me half a centurty to come to this point?  Why couldn't I have had the guts to do this at twenty.

 

Sorry.  Thanks for letting me go on.  I love you all.

 

Jessi

HI Jessi,

 

It is great that you get to live as Jessi. Once you have let Jessi out of the bottle so to speak, it is going to be very hard to contain her. IF you are prepared to do the open marriage thing, be prepared (going into it) knowing that your wife may really want a hetero relationship and once her needs are being fulfilled elsewhere,  it is going to be difficult to keep your relationship with her alive. There are a few couples that have navigated this successfully, but many more have decided that they are hurting each other more and more. Good luck and I wish you success, as Living a Life that seems to be someone else's really hurts as well.  Such is the conundrum that us T-Girls have to face.

 

Good Luck,

Michelle

This post was edited by Former Member at February 18, 2012 1:21 AM GMT

Thanks, Michelle. I don't know what sort of response I expected when I posted, but this is a good one. My wife actually is experienced with an open marriage. Her late husband (my predecessor) and she had one for twelve years before he died. We've been monogamous for 22 years, and we have both been very careful about this. We fully realize the the risks. However, she and I are both really good friends. We were friends for over a year before we started dating. And, regardless the outcome, I don't see how that part would change. Mostly, I just don't want to make her an object of ridicule in any fashion. Which, in a small town, full of gossip, may be difficult.

Hi Jessi, Golly, this is something that I have experienced first hand. I know I am opening up some very personnel info here but I see it may help you.
My wife and I were swinging for some time, and everything went well. Now this is something you might take a look at. We had rules, and after some time went by we both got very comfortable with the life style, an broke the rules.

Sooo we started going off by ourselves, this is where the problem starts, just to much private intimacy, and we split up for a while. After we got back together, she told me that she did not want to be in the way and thought this to be in my best interest.

Well this put me into a deep depression ( before we got back ) and I made the 3rd attempt at suicide ( this attempt is posted ) but it was very serious attempt. Basically played Russian roulette, an thought if it was my time to go, well I put the gun into my mouth and pulled the trigger. A struggle of being myself and being without the one I loved.

Something to think long and hard about, it is a very slippery slope. You must ask yourself, as I did. I was 60 at the time and thought about this long an hard, after some therapy I might add. Do I want to be alone the rest of my life, I wanted someone special to be with and die with. I did a balancing act for this long, I could finish my life that way. I have had a lot of cosmetic surgery, and I had a lot of men chasing me an still do, but as I have seen, these do not usually last long term.

You must ask yourself some very serious questions with complete honesty. Basically you might not know what your losing until you lose it. 

Hope this helps, an good luck.....Huggs Tammy

P.S. If you think for one moment that you could not ever try suicide, when you get to that point of depression, it is so very easy, you feel such a relief, a burden lifted, a way out, even euphoria.....it's very easy.

This post was edited by Tammy Brianne at February 18, 2012 5:17 AM GMT

Tammy,

Thank you so much for sharing the pain you've been through. It means a lot that you're willing to do that. I understand suicide attempts well - I was 19. It changed my life.

You're points are well taken, and they are not lost on me. I have to say that I have a very strong support network. Even though I know I would lose some family and some friends, I am blessed with some very understanding folks in my life.

I can't say how things will end up with my wife and me. Our agreement is not really about "swinging," though I suppose it could be a matter of semantics. We're not exploring these options for the sex. I am really trying to learn who I am, and she is willing to let me. OTOH, I can't really satisfy her if I am a woman, and she is not a lesbian. So, it's a strange situation. And, I also think you'd have to know us personally to understand our relationship. I will reiterate again that both of us understand there are risks.

I kind of wish I had not mentioned the open marriage thing because the real intent of my post was to describe the sense of near panic that comes with having to re-bottle Jessi, to borrow Michelle's metaphor. This is the bigger threat to our relationship than any guy with whom one of us might sleep. I am not really sure what to do about that. The best thing is that we genuinely are friends and have been for 23 years.

you're = your

Hi Jessi
My life was similar to yours, (although I've never been married) in that for many years I lived a double life as man at work and woman the rest of the time but with an overwhelming desire to live full time as a woman. I took early retirement aged 58 and began living full time. That was just over 7yrs ago and I've never regretted my decision for a moment. My only regret is that I was unable to start living as myself when I was 18 instead of 58. I was a very unhappy man, I'm now a very happy woman.

Thank you for your support, Heather. I truly appreciate it. I feel content as a woman, something which I don't feel as a man. Thank you again.