*I'm sorry if I made this to long..*
I seriously can't stop crying, I just break down and cry. I seems to be getting worse as the days go by, thankfully... when I feel the urge coming or just break down and cry I'm alone and if someone is near by I try my best to stop cover my head and pretend i'm sick or tired. I'm starting to get really depressed and hating myself more and more each day.
For you to understand what I'm going through at this point in time please take the time to read the next few paragraphs about "Me".
My real name is Josh .. growing up as a kid, I never felt "right" with myself, something always felt off about me. As a kid I really didn't understand. I used to always hang out with my 2 female Cousins around my age since the age of 6 till i was 15. I always felt comforable hanging out, talking non-stop with each other, we always had a great time together. After while my parent got worried and said I need to quit hanging out with them and spending the nights over at their houses because I'm a boy and shouldn't be hanging out them them to much because they are girls. They forced me to start hanging out with male cousins around my age. I never really liked hanging out with them because are taste are way to different and I generally never got along with them.
I always wished why wasn't I born a girl or.. If only I could go to sleep tonight and wake up as a girl and so on. Though I'd always be disappointed the next day still being stuck in this male body of mine. I occasionaly had thoughs of taking a knife and cutting my penis off but never acted on them nor knew why I wanted to do so. I also grew up in a christian home so knowing my parents I never mentioned anything I was feeling to them in fear. During the age of 16- till 19 I tried to focus on "I a guy so I should be working out, getting muscle and doing other guy things" Even doing all that and trying to be a guy never made me happy, I always had this whole in my heart and thought nothing could be done about it so I just tried to ignore it the best I could. But I could never really do so.. it was always there, I lost motivation to really do anything, got fired from my job, stop taking care of myself and my body and basically did nothing over the next year...
I'm recently turned twenty-one and a couple of weeks ago I decided to start researching what was wrong with me to see if I can find someway to help myself. I stumbled about till I found info on Transgender/Transexuals. Something started to make sense in me so I kept looking up information, wathing vidoes on MtF transition, HRT and so on (That is when I first started crying, and a couple of times that day i might add.. and I haven't really cried in a long time before this). After that day, It was the only thing on my mind... and still is today. I realised why I felt that way all my life and I made up my mind to transition. I started growing out my hair and have started practicing my Female Voice using some video I've seen of a few MtF Transgenders I seen with really pretty female voices. (though mine is horrible atm, But I won't give up)
I started to take care of myself once again but now I feel happy to be doing so and it means more to me now, that I'm trying to transition and doing it with that in mind. Currently I'm looking for a job.. well "Two" jobs one to help pay bills and so on, and the other just to save up for all the medical cost and surgeries I'll need.
However, currently I live with my parents and a few of my siblings, So I have to do all this in secret with is hard. Trying not to get caught practicing my voice, crying, deleteing my browser history and so on. I know that if my parents find out, I'll be kicked out for sure and they'll cut all ties with me. I've seen my older brother kicked out for far less of a reason then mine.. They would flip out on me. I know the rest of my family will as well and they'll treat me as a social outcast and that is part of the reason I've been crying sooo much lately, I'm starting to hate my male body more and more each day and I just burst into tear for being born a man.. that piled on with the rest of this, it's just tooo much at once.. It hard to handle and it's getting harder to stop myself from crying and putting up a front. I don't know what to do and I feel soo lost and scared.