1. Lawyer to Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
2. Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy.
3. Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
4. Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
5. Lawyer: (Showing the witness a picture) That's You? Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And you where present when the picture was taken
6. Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Witness: What do you think counselor.
7. Lawyer: What happened then?
LOL....
A make your morning post. Thanks. It is now on my desktop, and will be forwarded around my circle of friends and acquaintences.
Bobbi
Makes me wonder how people manage to remain practising law asking crazy questions like this LOL.
More of the same.
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: The defendant, who you have idetified in court as the person who assaulted you and punched you in the nose,
is that the same nose as the one you broke in a fall when you were a child?
Lawyer, Doctor you testified, contrary to other witness statements that the claimant was shot in the woods.
Doctor, No, I did not.
Lawyer to court recorder, would you please read back the begining of the doctors statement.
Court recorder ''The patient was badly wounded in the lumbar region, at first it appeared to be a single entry wound, in my opinion he had been shot.''
Defence lawher:- Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
A: Duh! I was washing the car.
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be, up until now.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Prosecution lawyer you left the house at approximately 030am So you were gone until you returned?
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, fearing that his client would probably be convicted anyway, resorted to a ruse.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said:
"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look, but your client didn't think it was important enough to get him to put in an appearance and give testimony as to his good health''.
The following exchange is reported as having occurred in Paris where the bench was comprised of three judges. The president of the court turned to his colleague on his right and asked for a suggestion. "Three years", said the judge. The president then turned to his other associate who suggested "four years." Then, the presiding judge turned to the prisoner:
"Prisoner, not desiring to give you a long and severe term of imprisonment, of five years as I should have done if left to myself, I have consulted my learned brothers and shall take their advice. you will go to prison for seven years ."
Apparently a law still in force today, states it shall be deemed a criminal act to die in the houses if Parliament.
WTF, will the dead person then be sentanced to spend a term of incarceration in the Tower of London???? Perhaps if it was rather a bad death, would they be hung drawn and quartered.