The Occasional Crossdresser 5

• Posted by Kati Davies February 18, 2012 #wife acceptance  1,785 views
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  In my last blog entry, I didn’t know where I was. I was utterly lost and thought in my heart of hearts that my relationship with my wife was close to being over. We had had an awful discussion about Kati, and it had left me cold, alone, and dejected. I stayed like this for 2 days and nights; on the second night I wrote the blog as I awoke at 2am unable to sleep.

   

  Having written and posted that, I received some truly wonderful advice and support from girls like me, who had been through similar situations. Knowing I had friends and that I wasn’t the only one feeling like this meant so much to me.

   

  I went back to our bedroom, showered, and started to get dressed. My wife asked me what had been keeping me up not sleeping, and I told her that it was because of what we had talked about the other night. She said “Oh...” and I thought that was it. I carried on dressing in silence, holding back the tears, and as I started to leave the bedroom she hugged me. We spoke stiltedly about what had been said before, and she seemed more open to talking. We made a date to talk it all through properly, at a restaurant, in 3 days time.

   

  It felt like a huge weight had been removed from around my neck, and for the next few days we had been getting along really well, as we always have, but for me the knowledge of our upcoming chat was all-encompassing. This could be the one and only opportunity I have to talk openly about being a Crossdresser, and I needed to make sure it didn’t work against me.

   

  Last night we met in All Bar One in Brighton, Mrs Tabbikat’s suggestion as it is noisy, so our conversation wouldn’t be overheard. Small talk got us over the time before the food arrived, and then she looked at me, smiled, and said, “come on then...”

   

  I said I’d like to start from the beginning. As we have had many short conversations about the subject, usually ending in tears from one or both sides, it was very likely that her knowledge of the situation was not complete, nor mine of her attitude towards it.

   

  I began by saying “I am a Crossdresser” and went on to explain that this is the currently accepted term, and that “Transvestite” is being phased out as it is quite often used in a defamatory way. I then explained about the trans spectrum; from a guy that might one day be wearing an earring at one end, to someone who identifies themselves as in the wrong gender from birth at the other end. I identify as somewhere in the middle currently, although it is a sliding scale, and I can’t guarantee I’ll always be there. Then I moved on to what I have always alikened to ‘waves’ of feelings towards dressing - some weeks or months it is a very strong urge and occupies most of my thoughts, other times it is a very latent calling. I mentioned during this that I was trying not to use the word “Desire” as that gives the wrong connotation.

   

  Moving on, and with Mrs T seeming very open to my frank analysis, I then brought up the issue of sex v gender. I stressed that this isn’t about sexuality, but about gender, although historically the two have become so mixed together in my head from puberty through to a lifetime of suppression. This also leads to another problem - that when I have been drinking, I get fewer inhibitions, and also more excitement from dressing. This coupled with the fact that I find talking about CrossDressing a very difficult thing to do unless I have had a few drinks has made me come across entirely falsely whenever all I really wanted to do was talk about me!

   

  It was then Mrs T’s turn to join in as she had allowed me the time and space to get all this out without interrupting. 

   

  Her side of things was precisely what I had feared - whenever I wanted to talk about my female side, I did it either as wanting to include some aspect of it in the bedroom, or worse, she thought I was telling her I was unhappy with who I was and needed to change and live life as a woman. Her natural defence to this was to utterly ignore the whole subject and carry on as if it didn’t exist.

   

  We talked around this for some time, and have made such astonishing ground. She has never spoken to anybody about her husband the crossdresser, but I have told many people, and each time I do, it gets easier and more affirming. We spoke about her moving on and doing just that - that talking to a friend about me, and about how she felt would be a really helpful step. I also mentioned the book “My Husband Betty” and she said she thought it would be a good idea if she read that.

   

  At this point I wanted to pull the reins in. It would have been very easy for me to follow my desires and try to cross more and more bridges. I knew that by doing that I could well take us back a step. This is going to be a slow gradual process, and I need to give her all the space and time she needs to come to her happy place with it.

   

  We chatted a bit about clothes and shopping, and flitted in and out of other conversations, returning occasionally to the hot topic, but it felt so natural to do that, and wasn’t stilted the way it always has been before.

   

  This morning I ordered Helen Boyd’s book, and told Mrs T about it. We spoke some more in a calm and natural way. 

   

  There’s a long way to go, but the door has been opened, and at last I am able to stop pretending who I am to the person who I care about the most.

   

  It’s going to be an interesting journey from here, and I shall fill you all in as I go along.

   

  Kati xx