I originally came out in the late 90's. From about 98-99 to 2002, I was working towards transitioning. I got as far as beginning HRT. After my divorce, I lived in a two bedroom apartment so my kids could come visit. I got involved with a Transgender group in Providence and a UU LGBT Awareness group in Newport. If it were all ready dark, I would just go quickly out the back door and around the side of the building so my neighbors didn't see me. Sometimes, I would have to change in the car in a parking lot. Quick change in a truck is interesting. 

In the end, there were two places that I could go fully dressed and accepted as Emma. I would often stop to chat with Crystal at the Transgender meetings. She always told me how great I looked. I always had nice clothes. I found a killer set of boots. I walked in heels like I was born to them. Though mostly stayed with sandals or flats as I am 6'2. I even went out to dinner before one meeting with one of the transmen at a local restaurant in Providence's East Side. This was the college side of town so more accepting. Though I was told many times that I had no trouble passing. At the UU meetings, I was called Emma and many of the women from the church commented on how great I looked and wanted to know where I got my clothes. It was fantastic. 

All good things must come to an end. Trying to be me cost me my marriage, almost cost me access to my kids, I lost my friends except one, Family turned against me and one brother told me that I was to never come near their kids? Um, I am Emma, not the old hag from Hansel and Gretel! I lost my job. Yes, I tried to come out there, but while they said they supported me, they moved quickly to find a reason to get rid of me. 9/11 happened and the hotels tanked, so that gave them the out they needed. I had to support my kids as their mother refused to work. Hell, she wanted the courts to order me to turn over my whole paycheck and me live in my truck. She didn't want to have to work at all. She ended up getting a part time job she still holds, so I still pay the full ride of child support, which in my state is some of the highest in the country. So my cash is limited. In the end, my kids came first. I always put others first. I became Ed again and once again, everyone loved Ed. 

I buried Emma deep. However, you cannot bury who you are for long. I have suffered chronic depression for a long time. Lately, I have wanted nothing more than be me. I am depressed despite having a wonderful wife, we just bought a wonderful house on 8 acres to start an alpaca farm. I should be living the dream, but I still live in darkness. 

One of my biggest regrets is getting rid of all those clothes. I should have found storage somewhere. I miss those boots and some of the outfits. I work from home now, so I can order things whenever I have a couple of bucks. So I get all the deliveries. Though, the caftan I ordered came in Saturday's mail. Fortunately, I got it before my wife did. I did pick up a pair of Bass Sandals. So I have something to wear. Of course, I look like an idiot because I keep the van dyke on to remind me what an ugly woman I am, so I don't go there. With my hair growing longer, I don't dare take it off or people will put two and two together, Thanks Brenda Jenner. Kind of a double edged sword. Her coming out brought awareness, but that awareness makes people keen when you change your appearance. I just tell people I am a hippy and have been trying to grow my hair long to put into a ponytail for a long time. 

Sounds terribly rough to me.

I'm assuming you are doing this behind your current wife's back? It's okay but not sure I would let this go on too long, only because she will likely notice at some point in time. My general experience is that the longer its left the harder it hits but I appreciate its a tough subject to breach.

My heart goes out to you and good luck moving forwards. Just remember you are never alone.

Well, she does and doesn't know. She doesn't know that I dress up when she is at work. I work from home, so I can at least dress up. Occasionally even go for doing my nails. No dark colors, mostly just clear or skin tone. That way there is little left. I have been down this road before so I know how to conceal. 

That being said, as far as her knowing, I had given her my journals to my psych to read. She has been after me as to why I am so depressed all the time. We have a wonderful knew place and starting an alpaca farm. She says we should be so excited but I hardly show it. I finally told her that I came across the journals I had written for my psych. I put them together for her and printed them out. I told her how I had a hard time trusting and that no one had seen them except my psych. She read the first journal and bookmarked it and tossed it on top of the refrigerator like a dime store novel. She told me how intense it was. I found it up there when she was researching new fridges. I had to measure the opening and saw it up there where anyone could just pick it up. I took it and stored it away. She has not asked about it. I have not mentioned it. She told me yesterday how much she loved me. I asked her why? I told her how I suffered chronic depression and how I had given up my life for others. I also mentioned being a freak, but replied nothing, when she asked what I said. She told me that I was a wonderful person and that was why she loved me. She said that I was always willing to help others even if it meant going without myself. I noted she said person. Though later I would take affront to her calling me alpoppa. She allowed me mother-clucker for the chicks but needed me to be poppa to the alpacas. Whatever. When we were dating I had told her that I had wanted to be a woman. I told her that I almost became one. That was good because my ex wanted to talk to her. She wanted to sabotage any relationship I had. Shut her up big time when I told her sure and gave her my wife's number. She never called. 

So I guess she does know, but not that I am dressing on the side. Baby steps. My life was destroyed once trying to be me. I am not going to destroy her life just so I can be. 

Oh, and my office is in the basement. We have a walkout basement. I installed a security camera that watches the drive so I can go up when deliveries come. So I can see if she sneaks home early. I have clothes to switch into nearby, so by the time she is parked, I can be dressed en homme.  Once the alpaca farm is set up, there will be other security cameras around the house. 

All at your own pace Emma.

|Sounds like your current wife could be open but its always hard to gauge and I can't blame you for feeling a bit betrayed/upset over her chucking your journal on top of the fridge when it was clearly a very personal item.

Emma...geez girl, you are really dealing with some heavy issues....

Your wife may be more accepting than you think, but with anybody finding out your situation, to have it dropped on them is shocking and not something they are prepared to deal with.  Immediate reaction of most is dislike which comes from fear and ignorance of the topic.  Your wife's biggest fears are probably that you will embarrass her, her friends, her family, etc.  Most women have a CD/Drag Queen image about transexuals and it is generally not a good one.  What has worked well for me over the past 7 years has been to transition slowly, bits and pieces at a time, while communicating and accepting compromises.  I have been able to keep our marriage and family together because I've been able to demonstrate I'm not some freak that seeks attention, but am still that kind, loving, giving person that will be there always for her!  Compromises include I do not wear makeup around the house, around our friends and neighbors, and when together socially or out, do not present totally female.  In return, over time, she had allowed me space and time get out daily and pursue my hobbies and interests.  My body is feminine, my hair long, my nails long, and I am not even close to the physical person she married...she wishes for that "other person" but knows it will not happen.  I also spend quality time daily with her...we both know where it is all moving toward, 100% FT femme...but she has learned that I can be trusted, will not say or do dumb thngs, and actually likes the personality...Sooooo....hope this is helpful in some manner!

Oh, when with her or around the house and friends, I ppresent in an androgynous mode....(see attached pic)

Best wishes always!

Traci xoxo

Tracy Lee, I wouldn't quite say it was dropped on her. When we were first going out, I had told her that I almost became a woman. My wife's degree was in counseling, so she said she understood. When my ex wanted to out me to her, she was shocked when I told her that I all ready told her and by the way, here is her number to call if you want. My ex never called and was that I had all ready talked to her. 

As to her accepting, I don't know. I came out once and my life imploded. Everything is finally back to somewhat normal. If I come out again, I could lose everything forever. My wife is a great lady and if she is against it, I wouldn't want to lose her. We have so many plans and dreams. It just would not be fair to her to come out and destroy everything we worked for. 

My wife all ready has a great deal on her plate. She spends two nights a week at her mother's to watch over her due to Alzheimers. She lost her Father to the horrid disease. She trades off with her sister and niece and the home health people they hired. She has to take another night sometimes when her sister has episodes as her sister has MS. I don't think this is something else I can pile on her. So I keep it to myself and just deal with the depression and self-loathing.

But have you discussed, a true open dialog, your intentions of what you would like to do?  Then gather her feelings and responses and build from there?  To me, it sounded like what you told her was that it was in the past.  But I'm getting the vibe that you cannot let go...in this type of conversation, and I have had many, it does not have to be a "black and white" "I AM going to do this" but instead maybe a "what if" scenario where you take two steps forward, move back one, advance another while slowly building her trust in you as well as continuing to grow your love?  Just a thought as it is template that has been working for me.

My wife freaked initially and I allowed her to vent, speak her mind, etc. without defending or speaking up for myself.  I listened!

Shortly thereafter, I began to touch on each issue she presented in a manner that presented myself as that same person she fell in love with many years ago.  Today, her biggest hurdle for me is that she does not want a lesbian relationship...but the shock and all is over and we continue to seek ways to make it work via compromise or just acceptance.

I know we're all different and have different sets of circumstances so my words are only meant to share what has worked for me.  It's my hope that some things I share can make a difference in another's life and lead to success and happiness!

I wish you the best Emma!

Traci xoxo

I would have to agree with |Traci on that one...

Doesn't quite sound like you guys have breached the subject itself as it relates to both of you in the current moment.

My guess is she already knows something is up considering she's mentioned your depression but she may be giving you your own time and space to raise the issues when you feel comfortable with them (which might be the case since you suaid she works as a counsellor).

Anyway, I understand its been a tough ride up til now and that you're taking very early and cautious steps at the moment. Perhaps at the moment  it would be more important that you work out where you stand, given the freedom to choose and where you want to take it (in terms of a transition or not).

She began life as a counselor. She is a purchaser now. You do what can get you money. 

I think part of my problem is lack of trust and afraid of my life exploding as it did last time. There were many who I put faith and trust in last time and turned out they were actually working against me trying to put the genie back in the bottle. It left me with the feeling that I was a freak. I had one person during that time that worked with me and tried to help me to transition. It just seems like I had gotten so close last time, but in the end, I was beaten back. That just gives those who would oppose my transition even more ammo to use against me this time. They could point to that time and say that if I truly was, then why didn't I just go ahead then. Sorry, I have a tendency to overthink things. I am trying to take it one day at a time. When there is a moment where she asks a question and I have the opportunity to add a little more, I do. Baby steps as my psych used to tell me. My psych used to tell me I wanted it all or nothing. I had to learn to take what little I got. When you have missed out on a lifetime that is hard to do. 

Over thing is okay...

As you mentioned, you've had your trust badly broken in the past and your faith in others has been sorely tested.

One thing for sure from your past experience is you probably had the benifited of sorting out who was your real friends and who weren't. TS has a tendancy to do that.

It's one thing I've had a benifit from being in the disabled community. You tend to make much truer friends than usual.

Well I don't have to worry about friends this time around. The one friend I had moved to Minnesota. I don't really hang out with anyone. I have no confidantes. That makes it harder as I have no one to talk to. My only real friend is my wife and I can't just talk to her about it. That is why I come here. The last time, I had #GenHaven on IRC. I also had my friend Lynn. I have started writing a book about my life. Well, people always tell me what an interesting life I have had. Well, I am over 110 pages at this point. One section is the actual journals given to my psych at the time. It is a daily accounting of all that went on during that time. Of course, I sanitized it to take out some things that could affect others. I figure it can be published after I die. Emma, An Unlived Life.  
 I found the journals on an old PC. They were password protected. Took me a while to get into those. Man, rereading those was rough. In one, I stated that if I had not transitioned by the time I was 55, I was going to take my life. Well, at 56, my son still has three years of college and my wife and I are starting an alpaca farm. Probably not a good time to end it. 

Yes rereading journals can be pretty raw ass we tend to right exactly how we feel in them without comnpromise or an expected audience.

Emma...I began to tranisiton at the age of 59!  It is never too late....

Your prior comments affirm what I have suggested, and that is take baby steps...two forward, one back...since you are on a farm, gain the OK from your wife to be able to wear femme work clothes as a start  The animals won't care!  (smile)  Assure her you will not go into town and socialize, but just do the chores in femme attire....That is a baby step...after a period of time, your wife will not notice nor care because she'll be able to trust that the work is getting done as needed and probably just get used to seeing you dressed in that manner...it will make you feel happy inside and lessen the effects of your depression for sure!

Also keep growing out your hair and nails and slide into an androgynous mode when not presenting female....this is another baby step...in time, especially if you are on hormones, you will appear feminine in just your natural appearance.  Plus, and this was a huge step forward for me, the effects of estrogen and the loss of testosterone eliminated virtually all of the angst, anxiety, anger, and aggression that was built up within.  I can to especially appreciate not so much my physical morphing but rather my mental clarity and awareness.  I felt "complete" and this gave me total confidence that I could make it, could survive, and would be very content going forward.  6 years later, it is still working only it's even better...

Traci xoxo

I find your story very heartbreaking but you also show alot of personal strength. Traci, you have made me feel better about finally coming out at 39. My wife and I are discussing it,but it is hard because she doesn't understand it. I am taking things slow. I just want to be Heather which is who I really am. You guys are very inspiring! Thank you, Heather

Heather....allow her to "transition" with you...just take baby steps...you are plenty young and you have time on your side....you can do this and remain with your wife!  Do not overload her with information...provide answers to her questions only and just continue to demonstrate to her that you are the same reliable, good, decent person you have always been and that you will always be there for her!

Best wishes always!

Traci xoxo

I have been trying but she just can't handle my appearance because I look almost like cis woman. She said I need to find someone like me.

Heather, my wife is the same...she wants no part of a lesbian relationship.  So we made a compromise.  I agreed to not wear makeup or female clothing in the house with her or when out socially with her.  But in return, she gives me my space daily.  I am out femme each morning and right up to about mid to late afternoon.  Sometimes I remain out thru the night...it sounds "schitzo" but it has helped us hold our marriage together...I do expect within the next 5 years to be living full time regardless of how she reacts, but I'm banking on the next few years to heel any remaining issues that stick in her side.  We'll see...But in the meantime, I've grown my hair and nails longer and hormones have eliminated body hairs....when at home or with her, I will go out in an andgrogynous mode which she is OK with.  You see, dressing in women's clothing is not something I "must do" to feel "complete".  My natural appearance today is feminine enough that it doesn't matter what I wear and as I mentioned above, all of that "I need this or need to do that" has evaporated replaced by a feeling of just being in a "happy place".  If you begin HRT, you will understand what I mean as the mental components of transitioning far outweight the physical in the long term, at least for me!  Estrogen will enhance that immensely.

The attached pic is one of me in my "andro" mode...I do have a femme top on but I was just returning from being out and hadn't changed tops yet.

Hope this helps you in some way...

Traci