firstly i want to say sorry for not being around for a while. ive been facing up to things. i decided enough was enough, i cant go on like this. ive hated my self every day of my life, tho ive learned to put on a mask, in side ive wanted it all to end. so i went to see my doctor a little while ago, and sat there for 10 mins trying to find the words to tell her. finally, i managed it, and the flood gates opened. i broke down big time. its was really difficult to make that first move, but one i knew i had to make.

 

she was so totally amazing. really kinda, and understanding. she made a double oppointment for 2 days time, because id wasted so much of this one, so we had time to actually talk. at the end of this, she said to me, from listening to me, she felt it needed to go further, so refered me to some psyciatrist, which she explained was the next step. so all i could do now was to wait for the letter, to make my apointment,

 

in the mean time, i actually told my mum. she said she knew i cross dressed already, and had done since i was little, but never realised this was the extent. again, she was wonderful. she phones me every day to make sure im ok, and to reassure me that she is there for me, and will be beside me every step of what ever way i go. i havent spoken to my dad about it, but mum tells me hes as supportive and loves me very much.

 

i have told about 5 of my very good friends as well, and also my boss. i told him because when i was signed off for depression at the beginning of this year, he was very supportive, and understanding, and i wanted to show him that i respected him, and valued the way he had helped me, i trust him, and hes promised to do or tell no one unless i ask him to.

 

its been a really tough life, ive known since i was 10 years old, but probably like most of you reading this, through shame and the feeling of failure and being a total freak, i have kept it burried so deep.

 

any way. i am currently waiting for an apointmet at the laurels, in exeter. im told it can take a long time, but at least its started and moving in the direction i need it to,.

 

now i have the chance to let the real me grow, gain life experience, instead of each day being like a play. nothing but acting out a part not meant for us.

 

i am totally petrified, i know how to be a man, but i must learn how to be me, as i have never given myself the chance to grew.

 

i have shared this for 2 reasons.

 

i am so happy. i have to share it, i cant keep it in, it is such a release, a relief to finally not have this weight, this charade to act out, im so tired, its been such a long time since i knew of hope,

 

the 2nd reason, is to give hope to those of you who like me for so long, felt hopeless. its not all going to be easy, but if, in your heart you know, then stand up, and reach out with both hands, grasp your chance of happiness, be strong, for if you dont, you will walk through life never really able to express your self, repressing the person you are will only mean a life time of  misery.

 

love you all, wish you joy and happiness.

Hello Stephie - Thank for your post - it connects to me in a number of ways and I think to many here as well. All the best in your journey in finding and being yourself : )

Just want to say, I've changed my 2nd name to my true family name. I told them a little while ago and they are amazing. So i can now finally be proud. You will probably never see this mum, but I love you so so much. Thank you. Xx
This post was edited by Stephie Hughes at November 12, 2013 12:01 AM GMT

Really touching, Stephie. So nice to hear of your supporting family.
Good luck, keep moving forward, and stay happy.
xx

Good for you Stephie! There wont be may here on GS who cant relate. The future is bright, you are making it happen!

Best wishes!

Spoke to my dad tonight. first time we've actually talked properly since i opened up to my mum. hes very confused. hes old school. men are men, and women are women. black and white. i know hes having a hard time, but hes amazing. dispite all that, hes still there for me. ive told him, i would stop, if he asked me to, and he said no, its not for him to decide, and will always love me.

 

he doesnt open up very easy, and as i expected, he suggested i may grow out of it, and that it was a phase im going through. yeah i said, one that has lasted all my life. he knows in his heart, but he'll never be able to understand. but i love him, hes my dad, and i know he loves me, and will always be there if and when i need him.

 

i hope i can make him proud of me some how, some day, i hate making him feel this way, and ive tryed with everything i have to be who he'd want me to be, but we can only be ourselves. time has taught me that lesson. x

 

Good for you Steph, i have just begun telling close friends (well just two so far!) and my ex-wife the other day as i will have to tell my daughter at some point. she surprised me - she said she would support me any way she could!

i think your mom will be a big help in explaining to your dad and help him come around; you seem to understand him and just give him time. Again, congrats on finally finding some happiness! 

Well done Steph.  I'm pleased for you.  Thanks too, for being so concerned for all the others who find themselves in similar positions to you!