Dear Parents

• Posted by Tracey Millington April 14, 2012 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #  3,873 views
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  Mom and Dad,

   

       I am writing this letter to let you know something about me which may also explain certain things, I am using a letter rather than talking to you face to face as I think it would be a lot better for myself and yourselves given the situation.

       For many years now, as far back as I can remember I have had a huge struggle within, I have tried to deal with this problem on my own but I feel I can no longer carry on in the same manner as it is getting worse. The last two weeks especially have been really hard, mood swings and sleepless nights don't even scratch the surface of what I have been going through, my first thought and possibly yours would be that I am worrying about my work situation but I believe this is not the case.

       The struggle within that I am talking about is my belief that I was never supposed to be born male but actually female, my first memory of this was when I was about 8, I remember I used to sit in the closet at the bottom of the stairs and try on your shoes mom. But as I got older and started to realise that this wasn't normal it just started to tear me apart inside, questioning my sexuality numerous times, wondering if it was a fetish, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, scared of you or anybody finding out and what might be the consequences if that happened. So I kept it to myself and carried on through the years, trying to ignore this craving I had to look how I felt inside but I just couldn't. In my late teens I started experimenting with make-up and more clothes but all I could see in the mirror looking back at me was a male wearing what he should not be wearing and I just felt absolutely disgusted and hated myself...I hated the body I was born with, I hated myself for doing something that felt so wrong but also I hated the fact that I could never look like the woman I felt I should be. Alone and full of hate, confusion and fears I had no where to turn and I could not see me ever being happy.

       The years came and went, my situation and feelings unchanged were starting to take their toll on my mind, I broke down, became sick with depression, stress and anxiety as you know. This was put down to work, money and ill health but I felt that they were not the main culprit, I desperately wanted to tell my doctor and/or therapist but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, the fear of losing you both, my friends and my job was just too great. I always thought if I could not be happy and cope with this on my own then how could I possibly cope if I lost everything that was good in my life.

       During my time sick I started to experiment some more, I got better with make-up and clothes to the point that I actually started to have some belief that I might be able to look like I feel, that was why I spent so much time in my bedroom over those 3 and half months, it made me so happy to see ME looking back. Then of course being worried about me you walked into my bedroom dad and caught me, I know I didn't answer any of your questions at the time, I couldn't as I just froze with fear and shame and then when you slammed my door shut I thought my life was over, that I had upset you, made you angry. My fears... I felt as though they were coming true but I couldn't just leave it like that I had to talk to you both, I believe now that I didn't do enough talking and I should have told you both then what I am telling you now, your reactions comforted me and that would have been the ideal time to come out to you but I didn't and therefore my fears have risen again.

       I hope you will both come and talk to me after you have read this, I want us to be open about all of this and I promise I will try and answer any questions you will probably have. If you wish that I seek help I will do that also I just want you to know that I couldn't ask for any better parents and the last thing I want is to hurt you both and make you ill, I love you so much! And I'm sorry...