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If you've ever sailed on the Great Lakes of North America or offshore into an ocean, you'll know that it takes forever to leave the sight of land. In a sailboat, it can even take the better part of a day before the shore surrenders to the water's horizon and is lost from view. Equally, approaching a shore can take some time -- an endless time it might see -- from that first horizon's smudge, through indistinquishable features squinted at through binoculars, to the slowly rising height of the land, to textures and trees, the odour of land and finally its noises, but in all it takes a very, very long.
I am, it seems, still heading away from my male shore. I am going through some changes that are imperceiveable to me and quite obvious to others. I don't feel female, I feel a great clod towering over the girls I work with. I am continually surprised by conversation. It seems I am accepted far beyond my feelings. I am engaged in conversations about periods, bloating, men, how much sex is or isn't enjoyed and the quality of lovers. Honestly I don't ask for this and am agape at how freely, casually but urnestly these conversations flow.
I'm told by the girls in my support group that I am very lucky to have made the genuine girl (gg) girlfriends I have. I do enjoy their company and with my best friend Mel, we have been shopping. She's got great style and taste and has helped me a lot.
Short of receiving the confirming document, I presume that I am now divorced. Its a miracle that I can even write that -- as recent a two weeks ago, the thought would send me into tears. Live moves on, I guess.
I still not ready emotionally for proper employment and wonder if it would be possible to be hired. I'm 55 (early retirement age), trans, bi-polar, and for most of my career, self-employed. That's a lot to swallow for any company.
I'm now considering a Master's Degree in Social Work. I was in to the college and received a very positive evaluation. I was thrilled -- much more that the idea of going back into the business world.
Perhaps there is a smudge on the horizon after all.
