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The Canadian spring holiday (the "May 24th Weekend", a name that coincides with the number of bottles of beer in a case (a "two-fer"
and typically purchased by the celebrants of this weekend who spend it in tents, in the rain, in our provincial parks in an intoxicated state) has just passed. It was a cold weekend. It rained. It was a melancholy weekend.
This transformation of my soul is strange. From moment to moment I am unsure of what I am feeling.
I couldn't have predicted the costs of my transition, the changes to my life. There are moments when the future looks absolutely barren and lonely. I am frequently scoring the losses against the gains and wondering at my determination to continue.
In many ways, my transition is now invisible. I don't think about dressing in the morning, I don't think about being 'on display' at work. Its all very normal and routine. I still get puzzled looks and the odd 'sir'. I am mostly indifferent to this now. I'm still conscious of what I wear and am slowly learning some fashion sense with the help of my friends.
I am changing in personality. I am becoming softer. I know that doesn't make much sense. I have been patronized by men now, often when I offer insights they don't expect 'from a woman'.
I am coming to terms with the loss of family and my wife. Sometime in the next month the final decree arrives and a significant chapter of my life is over. With the time that has passed I can see the good of that time and that it was a good time for both of us. I think that my life has followed what was really in my heart and my sadness over 'the things I didn't do' is misplaced. I think that I ready did get what I was hoping for, it just seems that you can't hold onto it forever. You have to move on to new things. I am feeling more ready than ever before.
Once valued possessions are now clutter and I am ready to let go of the past that these possessions hold. I will be able to find those memories in my mind. It is a nice feeling.
