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Posted by Ann Teve
June 24, 2008
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
966 views
One objective of my blog (and I hope not presumptuous) is to show honestly and candidly, the emotional stages of my first year fulltime. My experiences may be of value to those who follow.
The emotional stage of the last week has been one of uncertainty. Contributing to my uncertainty, perhaps better expressed by the thought that jumps when or whereever into one's consciousness, "What the f**k am I doing?" is a change in medication for Bi-Polar. That could be a BIG factor but it has nonetheless caused soul-searching and sleepless nights.
Having neither SRS or facial surgery nor having addressed a very thin pate, I am -- without the aid of wig and clothes -- your regular guy. I am in one way astonished at the impact that clothes alone have. Does this mean that guys can just dress up and 'be' girls?
I am treated by the staff as the gender I wish to be. The women staff willingly engage in personal conversations with me, completely accepting of Ann as Ann. The guys too have taken to treating me as Ann, as a woman. I am no longer included in their 'male' conversations. All of this because of the way I dress? Is there more to this? Am I missing something here.
On some days, it seems that every customer treats me -- and often refers to me -- as a guy. This is hugely dispiriting for me but also raises an intriguing question, just what exactly do they think of me, if they're referring to me as a guy -- basically seeing me as a guy -- when I'm in a skirt, blouse, wig and wearing eyeshadow and lipstick. Now that a REALLY tolerate person to accept that paradox that they have created.
Over my life I've started a lot of ultimately unfinished projects. My transition has the makings of exactly such a project. The cost of surgeries are substantial. I am closing on my first full year as Ann and my second year coming to terms dealing with Bi-Polar. I have aspirations of returning to school but not the money. I haven't the money for anything. More and more questions loom about where my place in the future will be. I guess that my perspective has been preoccupied with the near-term.
There is a personal benefit to blogging, it has the effect of making me feel better. Given that, I shall end this.
