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I'm astonished that its been nearly two months since my last entry. I enter this new year -- 2009 -- as Ann. This will be my first full year. Few days pass that I don't think of something of interest to the group here and equally there isn't a day that I can't get to the library to post it. Here I am, though, ready with an update.
The news of the moment is that I've actually had a job interview and for a real job. All of the time spent as a clerk becoming comfortable with my new self have paid off -- in psychic benefit if not money. The job is with the university in London (thats London, Ontario, Canada) in the Registrar's Office. The pay is great -- or at least a LOT more than I'm making at the moment. I applied not imagining that I would be selected for an interview and assumed the worst when I didn't hear back in the expected time. Seems that they had tried to contact me by email which I can't check often. They did call however and an interview was scheduled.
Deciding on what to wear was a new experience for me. Luckily, I have a limited number of pieces and most if not all ended up scattered around my bedroom as I searched for an appropriate look. I settled on a blue pin-striped shirt and a calf length straight blue corduroy skirt with calf-length suede boots. I begged the girls at the cosmetic counter that I frequent to help with my makeup. They did a wonderful job. I can't overstate the confidence it gave me to know that I looked presentable -- I can't really say that I looked 'good', I am afterall 55 years old and 6 feet tall.
I either presented REALLY well or the two interviewers -- on woman, one man -- took absolutely no notice. My confidence was on and I seemed to give a good interview. Whether I get the job or not, it was a watershed moment for me. I have taken an interview and felt that I handled it with confidence and poise. Maybe there actually is life afterall. I'll know in a week or too.
The winter has been unbelievably cold but beautiful. The coldest days are usually the sunniest with no cloud to insulate the ground. The sun is bright, the sky a faded blue and the snow a white crystalline sheet draped softly over all the edges of the ground. It is very, very pretty. Sunglasses are a must. If the air is still it is not so bad, one's nostrils and throat tingle with the brittle air but the air is clear and sweet.
The Ontario Government is again paying for SRS and I've had two friends who have received the go-ahead for surgery. This is very good news. I've been to a new psychiatrist -- two are needed to approve surgery -- and hope to receive a recommendation letter from both. It is always hard to review one's history with someone new. For me there is always lots of crying. "Tell me about yourself..." seems to be an emotional trigger. As I said in reply, it is always hard to repeat what one has repeated over and over to a new person. It is as if no progress is every being made.
I guess for the immediate future, though, I can allow myself to feel that progress is being made. Even if this job doesn't come through, I will have made a step forward. I don't know how badly I might just feel but I'll cross that bridge when it comes.
I have become friends with Joanne -- whom I introduced in the previous post. Joanne is the essence of self-assurance. I invited her to coffee at William's, my and it turns out her favourite coffee shop. Her first words, as she sat with her coffee was direct, "So, why did you call me?" I mean, how do you reply to that?
I've been going to a support group in London. It started as a MtF group but has evolved into a FtM group. We are outnumbered about 3 to 1. They are young too, mostly university age. It would seem that 'being a lesbian' is a waypoint on their journey.
I guess the sum of this rambling post is that I'm surviving and adjusting. It is remarable how unremarkable being a female is. On a number of occasions people have asked how I feel as I seem so 'comfortable' as Ann. Simply put, I couldn't imagine going back. For the first time in my life I am making friends. I have more friends now -- women friends -- at any other point in my life. I just seem to fit in. Numerous woman have introduced themselves where I shop. They stop and talk as if we are old friends. It feels very, very good.
I've realized that my exposure to the public through my job as a clerk has helped my confidence immeasurably. Day after day and over and over within each day I am meeting and talking directly to strangers. It has become matter-of-fact whatever their reaction. If it has been a thousand or more, I have come to realize that I am unremarable to most -- virtually all. I have taken this confidence into the world. I am who I am. My struggles now move to making a place in the world for Ann as opposed to making Ann.
