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Hiya,
Since I started living full time I havnt had one thought of suicide. I put that down to actually dealing with "the problem". However, the last few weeks I noticed I have gotten into old bad habits ie becoming a hermit, its kind of like, i cant exist in the real world because no one understands. but I'm really happy that I have found my freedom.
Anyway, I thought the best way to address the reasons for my recent low moods was to write a letter to the people causind that depression and heres a copy...
Hi Mum,
I hope you are keeping well.
I haven’t been well the last few weeks. I have been quite depressed and I find I have resorted to my old tactics by locking myself away in my home like a hermit and trying to ignore my problems and not facing up to them. I realise that, as before, this is not the solution, so once again I find myself facing up to the problems in my life and trying to find a solution.
There’s a lot about me that you never knew. Most of my life I have lived with, and coped the best I could with a big secret. For most of my life I felt as if I was mental, as if I was a weirdo, and if anyone were to find out it would be the end of my life. In fact, I spent a lot of my life feeling quite despondent not knowing how to deal with this. The problem was compounded because I felt that I couldn’t speak to anyone about it. For many years I have felt extremely lonely with no one to turn to. In front of everyone I tried to be bigger than life and show everyone I was ok. I also spent a lot of time trying, and over doing it, to prove to people that I was ok but not as much as I was trying to condition myself to believe it.
For many years, because of my hopeless situation, I have had feelings of suicide. The feelings of suicide are a very natural and human response to situations similar to this. Although I have 3 attempts on my life over the years they were never successful. This is because I don’t want to die, I want to live and the thoughts of suicide are caused by the desire to stop the pain. If someone doesn’t address their problems and find a solution then eventually the pain will become so great that suicide seems to be the only option.
I am really pleased, and quite proud of myself, to say that I have found a solution to my problems and I no longer have those feelings of suicide. The main reason for this is that I didn’t want [daughter] to grow up with out me. She deserves to have parents that will always be there for her and no body is going to stop me being there for [daughter].
To this I have had to take some very serious and daring steps to ensure I don’t fall into the trap of allowing my problems to go round my head causing depression. My big secret that I kept to myself for so many years is that I feel like a woman. The medical profession call this gender dsyphoria because I was born in a man’s body. It doesn’t matter what it is called or whether it is accepted or not, the facts cannot be changed.
When I investigated about how I felt in June 2007 I found a solution to my problem. I realised that I could live as a woman and that would relieve the feelings of conflict and allow me to lead a happier life. I then spent the next year and a half putting my plan together and most importantly trying to ensure that [daughter] would experience the least impact possible. I realised that I could no longer cope with the overbearing feelings in December 2008, which is after I had some serious arguments with Marissa and I also broke down in front of Dad. I decided that I would start living fulltime as a woman from 1st of January 2009.
The results of this have been fantastic. I now feel like a real person. In fact all of my friends have said that it is quite amazing to see the difference and that I am so relaxed, calm and at peace with myself and that I now have a presence about me that I didn’t have before.
I realise that I have caused great upset in the family. Dad has not spoken to me since. [sister] popped round the other day unannounced and we had a very difficult conversation and you try to pretend that it isn’t happening. The ways my family have reacted towards me have been the only source of difficulty and depression in my life since I started living. Last time you came round I tried to explain that I was down and before I could explain why I felt you jumped in with “So you think you’ve made a big mistake?” which really upset me and made my depression worse. [sister] came round unannounced and tried to drum into me that I should be a gay man and dress only in private which depressed me even further.
I’ve had enough of this depression and as before I have reached the point where I am faced to deal with it and hence the reason for this letter. I can no longer allow Dad’s, [sister]’s or your opinions to interfere with what I need to do for myself to ensure I am able to live a life content enough to be there for [daughter] for when she might really need me.
I only ask for one thing and that is the same thing every single human being on the planet deserves to receive and that is respect. Please try not to tell me how I feel, as no one can possibly know how anyone else feels. Please don’t judge me for the way I look or behave. Please don’t assume you know what goes on in my life. Most of all please just respect me as a human being and accept me as I am.
You might not agree with how I live my life but please give me freedom to live my life. My name is Penny and I am a she, a her, a Miss. I appreciate that it must be very difficult to make this change after so many years but I would really like to make you understand how important this is to me. Waiting for me to supposedly change my mind back to how I was is only a false hope. I’ve spent too many years dealing with this and my goal is clear to me. It doesn’t matter if at some point I change my mind or if I don’t, are you going to continue to cause me such stress and heartache?
I am now drawing this letter to a close and my thoughts are whether I have said the things I should or in the right light but I realise this doesn’t matter. The point of this letter is to address the reasons for my recent depression and that is because of the way my family are treating me, so I had to let you know how I feel.
Hopefully this letter will give me sufficient satisfaction and peace of mind that it will stop the negative and depressing thoughts going round my head about how I am being treated by my family, and as a result I hope to start to deal with the problems in life that I should be dealing with. Please take your time and get used to the way I am. If you have difficulty in doing so then please seek professional guidance, it was the first thing I did, it just seems the sensible thing to do. The reality is I haven’t really changed, its just that I have told you the truth, which I can do now because I am being honest with myself. I would prefer not to experience depressing thoughts any further so please take as much time as you need.
I love you all very dearly.
Penny
x
