|
|
|
Notifications
|
|
|
|
Hiya, I haven’t blogged for sometime so here’s a progress update.
I celebrated living as Penny for 1 whole year on New Years Eve with a feeling of happiness and self-satisfaction. It’s been the best year in my life so far and it has also been the worst for other reasons. I’m really happy with my self-development and the progress I have made in understanding who I am and where I want to go.
I am seeing my doctor on Thursday to collect my first prescription for hormones where I believe I will take my first dosage. I had my bloods taken last week when I visited CX gender clinic in London to see the affect the Finasteride has had if any. I’ve now been a member at TW for 2 and a half years. Some might consider my progress slow but I have worked hard in trying to sort things out in my life as much as myself and I am happy with the way things have gone and it’s at a comfortable speed for me.
With my personal achievements aside this last 6 months has been the most difficult I have ever had. I have spent the last 4 years running my own business and at the beginning of 2009 I had half a million pounds worth of orders in the pipeline. Not just potential orders but contracts which I had tendered for and won. I saw no reason financially to inhibit my progress as Penny thinking that the future would be financially sound. When the credit crunch hit and my customers laid off 50% of their staff and with government cut backs I saw these contracts crumble into dust. I ceased trading in July as a limited company and I had a 6 month battle with the department of work and pensions to claim benefits which was really mentally taxing.
I’ve barely had enough money to put food into my mouth and while the country was snowed under I went without electricity for 2 days simply because I had no money to put into the meter. It’s quite upsetting to find the toilet seat stone cold while watching the condensation from my breath as I exhale. I slept wearing my dressing gown and coat under 2 duvets just to try to keep warm and using candles to see what I was doing.
My ability to cope with anything and think straight has been totally impaired and I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I’m sure this has come through my behaviour and conduct in the chat room and brought some people to question who I am and my sanity. All I can say to that is that the chat room has been a bit of a life saver as it has allowed my to vent whatever has been driving me and at the fore front of my mind at the time, usually jokes about my carrier bags full of my own poo, kept me amused for a bit lol. I have been banned from a number of other chat rooms, mainly Christian chat rooms, I found the people there weren’t so caring or Christian like in their persona.
The last couple of days have been really difficult for me as there has been a really big bust up in the chat room. A few of my closest friends and I have been putting a band together to play a few songs at this years Sparkle event. As you can appreciate, everyone lives a long way from each other and organising rehearsals and the stuff needed to make this work has not been easy. I have found this has driven a wedge in between our friendship and I wonder if that will ever be the same again. I have been deeply hurt, not by the apparent failure of the organising, but by the way my so called friends have behaved and acted towards me in being insensitive to my feelings and a total lack of empathy. I don’t expect my friends to judge who I am. I thought the friends I made were of the supporting kind to be there for whatever anyone goes through in their life. I was in complete shock when I was told to “Get over it”.
I feel quite bereaved and going through feelings of mourning at the moment with the loss of what I considered close and caring friends who at the moment are showing a complete lack of understanding and inclination to how I feel. They either don’t have the ability to be empathic or are showing disregard to my feelings, either way, it deeply hurts me.
I will continue to live my life as best as I can, as I always have, and I will try to make the best decisions I can given with what information I have at the time. I am a bit of a survivor in my own little way and I find solace and make do with what I have. I feel 2010 is going to be better than 2009, it cant get any worse! lol
I think once I find a way to receive a steady income and I am once again financially solvent my mental health will be a lot better and I will become a stable individual once again. As you can appreciate, my financial difficulties have added fuel to my family’s stance that I am mentally ill and need to be locked up in an asylum. I am hoping to prove them wrong when I become successful in living as a woman which I feel will happen this year. I’m going to apply for my gender recognition certificate in a few months in time for when I have been living as Penny for 2 years so I can have my birth certificate reissued as me! J
That’s all for now, all my love to everyone! xxx
