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Posted by Kari Johnson
September 16, 2008
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
821 views
My wife knows of my crossdressing, but it doesn't really please her that I want to be feminine. We are currently trying to work out my issues. She says she can deal with crossdressing but she doesn't like it when I shave my body ie:chest legs. She knows I am taking herbal supplements to help feminize my body. She's not too happy about that either. I really love her and we have two kids. It is frustrating and I hate to hurt her by just being who I am. I know I will never e able to just quit being a transgendered person and she knows this too. She says that the biggest issue is that she gets no choice in the matter. She just has to wait and see what I do to make a decision to stay with me or divorce. I don't want to lose my whole family because of my own selfish desires. Or if you would rather my mental health problems. She isn't attracted to women at all but believe me she wears the pants in the family so I feel that I am living in the submissive role already. She has put up with a lot from me and I from her as well. I am at apoint in my life where I cannot hide this part of myself anymore. I have to deal with these issues now. She gets the unfortunate experience of dealing with my depression and moodiness. Lately I have enn considering if any of this is even worth all of the trouble. I try to convince myself that she is better off without me and my baggage and so are my kids. I don't want them to grow up and have to deal with issues like mine or expose them to the femme side of myself. I have been having suicidal thoughts again for the first time since 2003. Sometimes I wonder why I even create these problems for myself how come I can't just walk away from them? I guess it is ecause whereever I go there I am and I am me and I am a transsexual who has denied it all of my life and struggled with dealing with my issues and so desperately wanting to be "normal" like everyone else. I would rather be transsexual than a murderer, or a child molester, or a drug addict, or an alchoholic. So if I have to have a vice I guess being TS would be what I would pick over those other things. But then there is always the Why me? Why do I crave this? Desire to be female? The reflection I see in the mirror is that of a man, the body I see is male. Why isn't it enough just to be that guy? Karen
