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Posted by Kari Johnson
September 18, 2008
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
866 views
I googled therapists in Salem but it looks like most are in Portland. My own Psychiatrist said I would have to go up to OHSU. So it looks as if when I go to see him in a couple of weeks I will be trying to get a referral. I am in a bad place right now and have taken an overdose of my sleep meds 7 xanax 4 tylenol #3 and 4 Klonopin. So I should sleep tonight if nothing else. I am tired of struggling with myself and pretending to be happy and that everything is fine. My wife says she loves me very much but I don't love myself so how can I love anyone? I don't care if I live or die at this point. I lost my dad at the end of April to a driver that was in a hurry and ran a red light killing him instantly. I haven't gotten over that, I had to take my week of vacation to go and talk my mom into obeying his wishes not to keep him alive on a ventilator. No one in my family realized how bad it was and they were praying for a miracle that would never come. I knew he was dead the moment my sister called me and told me on the phone about his injuries. C-1 was completely shattered and C-2 was horizontally split in half. He was brain dead. I had to be the one to advocate for his wishes and talk my family into pulling the plug after I educated them on his injuries. Breaking c-2 or c-3 usually leads to a person not ever breathing on their own again. Shattering c-1 always fatal. he was dead but I got to say goodbye and hug him one last time and hold his hand as they pulled the vent tubes out and his body flatlined in nine minutes. I said goodbye.but it was difficult. My mom lives alone now in the house that he built for them with his own two hands it is on the lake and it is very peaceful there. He use to telll me that it was his diyng ground he would never move again. I am 3000 miles away from my mom and dealing with this alone. Of course just like the good old american way I had to go right back to work and act as tough nothing hapened. I had to pretend that I was fine around my family so that I didn't break down from the sorrow. My dad did some things that no man should ever do to his own kids but we all loved him. Forgave him. Now I will never see him again or hear his laugh or just be able to call him up on the phone. And then there is me the middle child of three who grew up liking girl things but had hidden it all his life. I was jealous of my sister and her things. Mom used to tell me I should have been born a girl and my sister should have been a boy. I have asked her why she used to say that and she just gave some pat answer. Tears are flowing down my face as I type my pain into this blog. I guess later it will come down to who gets what but I really don't care as long as my brother doesn''t try to take advantage of my mom. Mom raised us all and dad provided for us. Somewhere in pain there is a release and a freedom a brokenness that comes and changes you forever. I am trying to change. Trying to be true to my self and who I am. I am a transsexual but I am not proud of it yet. I am sad that I have waited so long to deal with this pretending that it didn't really exist. My father's death made me realize that time is the absolute most valuable thing that any of us ever has because we have a certain given amount and that is it. Maybe that is why my trans issues are so strong and nearly imposssible to hide or stop at this point. karen
