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I just wanted to let anyone who may want to know that I am still around. I am not well I am just existing day to day for the most part. I have had some very deep and honest talks with my wife and she still loves me in spite of my transness. She has said that she is willing to work with me in dealing with my crossdressing. Not that she wants to participate, but just that she is willing to allow it/tolerate it for now. She doesn't want me to force it on her in any way or just put it out there inher face. We are trying to find a local therapst who can help to guide us initially while we learn how my transness can fit into the marriage. I'm OK with that but I fear that being transgendered will eventually lead to the end of our marriage. I am swimming in new waters with which this fish is unfamiliar and afraid (yes I'm a Pices). I love my wife and being married to her but I guess I love myself more and I love expressing myself in a feminine way more and yet I hate the fact that it is this very love for things feminine which I allow to cause me to loathe myself and long to be whatever normal is. I am tired, weary but I have to learn to accept and love who and what I am. I am a transsexual for better or worse. I cannot ever see myself giving up all things femme or never wanting to express my feminine side. It is part of who I am. I need your support and good thoughts more than you may know. I am scared and plan on staying on my psychiatrist until I get the type of gender therapy that I need. Nobody will be able to change or cure me of my trans-ness and I will certainly not participate in ay type of therapy that holds that belief. I want to thank Katie X for her support and perosonal e-mails and genuine concern for my well being. I never expected you to try and reach out to just a nobody that posted on what I later learned was a board you started. I hope to get through this rough place in life but honestly I want to just end the struggle even now. Its not a rational answer to the problem yet where I am right now I still consider it a viable solution for me.
I know that there are those of you who have been or are where I am at this point in my gender battle and I would appreciate some insight to help me see light or have real hope for the future. As I have said before I am so new to actually acting out on my transness and admitting that it is there and isn't going away that I don't really knwo where to go or what I should be trying to do next. I am taking phytoestrogens in the form of herbal supplements to try and feminize my physical body. Its not just the clothing for me, I want the appearance and skin and body features of a genetic female. I may never pass as one but I want the soft skin , larger rear end and breasts like a woman. I envy them. I want to be one of them. So what does that make me? i feel like I am stuck between genders as some hybrid male-female being. not fully belonging to either and not fiting in to one or the other. I long for the female side to be my home but my body shows me that I am not a part of that camp and never was meant to be. My toes are feminine and done up in a very nice blue gel. I go to the salon to get my pedicures so I can feel like or pretend to be a part of the world of women. I am comfortable there and enjoy being in the club even if it is only briefly. I got over the embarrasment of doing that several years ago by just calling ahead and asking if it was OK with them if I got polish with my pedi. Now I have started to wear panties and woens socksand winter boots, tennis shoes more than mens shoes. I wore womens pants to work for the first time last week and one day when it was cold I had hose on underneath. One of the female care givers lifted the back of my shirt where it had come untucked and just had a knowing grin on her face without saying a word. She must have seen the hose I was wearing and thought it was humorous. Most of the campus will probably know by now and it only bothers me a little. I cannot hide anymore I expect to be ridiculed behind hands where whispered secrets are shared. A topic of jokes or private office laughs but I don't expect anyone will ever confront me directly. As always I truly need any and all of the help, support, friendship, good guidance, and understanding that I can get.
Your hurting sister/brother
Karen Moore
