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Posted by Kari Johnson
January 12, 2009
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
892 views
Thanks to the kindness of strangers and family members I am still here. I haven't been around as I was hospitalized for my latest suicide attempt and my laptop computer died. Well at least I didn't. Katie took the time to call my wife and let her know what was going on with me from my last blog entry. For those of you who have never had dark suicidal tendencies just consider yourself very lucky. I have depression and suicidal thoughts along with my gender issues. This isn't an easy life to live especially knowing that your gender dysphoria will likely cause you to lose your own wife and family eventually because they cannot see you or accept you as a member of the opposite sex. Anyone who chooses this would be absolutely crazy so therefore I believe it is a genetic disorder of the brain. Iv'e read the theories about how this phenomenon occurs but I can't say that I am totally satisfied with any of the ones I have personally read. My doctor says that in utero the fetus gets exposed to a massive dose of estrogen at some point during pregnancy and that this may cause some males to feel that they are female or causes them to believe that they are female. Personally I feel better using hormones and estrogen boosting herbal supplements as I don't feel so sex crazed by testosterone. I don't like being aggresive or manly and desire to be more feminine in appearance and manner. I don't know what it really feels like to be a woman but something in me tells me that I am not what I should be. I am most comfortable and get more of a feeling of being myself as a female and on hormonal supplements. So what does that make me? Some strange hybrid or just another nutjob? No I'm just another person trying to be myself and live in peace with the world and those in it. I don't desire to cause any other person pain or suffering because of my mental or physiological problems, but the very nature of them does just that. I want to be normal like everyone else but I know that I never will be the same or "normal". That makes life a bit more challenging for people with these same issues that I face. So we get tossed into the gay and lesbian pile with all of the other "abnormally" sexually oriented people. They will accept you because they are strange as well. Go and live your life among the other outcasts but know that you are even less than they because we don't even know how to categorize or fit you into our societal box. Nobody likes to live with a social stigma but those of us who are here and you dear reader probably realize that at some point you too will have to come out into the open and let the world know who you really are. There will come a time when the lies cannot continue and you cannot hide in the shadows any longer because you have to be who you truly are. My prayer for you is that you find strength in yourself and in being true to you and let that strength carry you through the hard times and know that if only for a brief moment you stood for what you believed and were true to who you really are. That is all that matters in the end. Live your life and be who and what you are to the best of your ability and let no man be your judge. You have to be true to yourself to live with a clear conscience. K
