What do I really want?

• Posted by Kari Johnson July 7, 2012 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs 1,359 views
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  Juat thought I might take the time to make another post here and get some thoughts out of my own head.  I had a great talk with my wife the other night about my gender issues and we love each other deeply and don't want my problems to separate us.  We have been married for fifteen years and have two kids.  There are others of you here who have similar situations.  Gosh I wish I could have sorted myself out earlier in life which many are now doing and I think it is great that kids can say to their parents mom I 'm different, dad I may be transgendered.  I think that exposure to these issues from the internet has led many to realize that they are not alone and subsequently gives them the courage to open up about their problems if only to online freinds.  Hopefully the freinds are not predators and that is an entirely different issue.

   

  Wher do I go from here now?  My wife is giving me time alone to be who I want and that is where I am now.  My thoughts for now are is this what I want?  Do I really want to be female day in and day out?  I have stated that in the past and still want a female body but I am not a small guy and by no means pretty or feminine.  I am not going to lie to myself about how I look right now but it is nice to be in the right clothes and all.  I am changing.  I have started losing weight (11 pounds on my first week) and my main reason is to feel better about me my secondary reason is to make my physical size smaller so that I look better as a woman.  Why do I even want to be a woman what is wrong with being a guy?  Well I have always felt that I would be more comfortable in my own skin as a female.  I have large hands and feet but I can deal with that.  I have got to know that this is what I want beyond any doubt that it isn't some sexual fetish or fantasy.  Day in day out every day you will just be another girl and have all the disadvantages of not growing up as one.  I am on a voyage of self discovery and facing the fact that at the very least I am just a transgendered male crossdresser has been really hard for me to accept as part of me.  At the other end which I guess is where all of the fear comes in I am a transsexual who really needs to live and be fully female and that scares the T-total **** out of me if I am honest.  But I am the one who ultimately makes that decision to transition and it can go only as far as I allow.  I am unfortunately not the only one who pays the price for my decisions.  I question everything and having gender issues isn't fun I deal with lots of depression. 

  At work this past week we were getting a new roof put on one of the buildings ond one of the workers is very obviously a transgender male.  She has nice long hair in a ponytail and small developed natural breasts female mannerisms and a male voice.  She wears a bra which the lines showed through on her t-shirt.   Some of my co-workers were making jokes about whether it was a man or a woman referring to her as a woman-man or man-woman.  She has very feminine movements ond presents as female but the voice gives her away.  I was asked if she was a man or woman by these people and I didn't make an issue of their ignorance or blast them for making fun of her I simply stated that I believed her to be transgendered and left it at that.  My whole point is that can I stand up to such ignorance myself if I transitioned because I will not pass and can I live a life that others think is a joke?  It isn't funny to me it is very serious and I don't know how well I can take being ridiculed by the public.  Having depression and suicidal tendencies already, I just don't know how I could manage were it me.  It would be a shame to finally get to be who I wanted to be only to kill myself for not being strong enough to deal with the public humiliation and behind the hands talk and stares from others.  I really wanted to talk to this person to see how they dealt with such adversity but an opportunity for that didn't happen.  Also since I am not out how do you start such a conversation in the first place?  So I hope this isn't too deep or serious for you all but these are my thoughts today.  I wish you all well .  Karen