Becoming someone else....but probably not the way you think

• Posted by Briana Lynn Rekowski March 2, 2013 2,336 views
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  Well, most of us have a pretty good idea where our personal journey is taking us and have a pretty good idea how far in that journey we would like to go.  Some of us are still trying to figure all that out, and still some of us are still fighting the guilt and confusion of who we are, and why we were born the way we were.  More importantly, some of us have a very detailed plan of how we want to get there, some of us are making the plan as we go, and some of us have no idea where we are, and what comes next for us.

  
  

  I have had a rough idea of my "map" to my journeys destination.  I, as all of us, have heard the stories, the unfortunate bad stories, of loss.  There seems to be nothing that can't be lost in our lives, from family and friends, to jobs and physical things that we have worked hard to obtain.  I have put a lot of thought into coming out.  I still am in the beginning stages of coming out.  I have thought a lot about it and have put together a mental list of all the people in my life and have rated them from the ones that I "think" will be the easiest and most supportive, to the scariest ones for me.  My plan is to start with the ones that I "think" will be most supportive, and work my way through the list.  My hope is that I will gain a larger support system in the beginning, to help me get through the more difficult ones at the end of the list.  Of course the two problems are..........the ones I "think" will be easiest and most supportive may in fact not be who I think they are, and the collateral damage, the ones I make the mistake with outing me to anyone and everyone.  Time will tell.  My next "outing" is going to be my sister.  I set a goal to do this by the end of last summer........ last summer came and went without me accomplishing this, but I am still planting seeds in her mind each and every time we talk.  I honestly think she knows already, but who knows.

  
  

  Now to what this is really about.  Like I said earlier, we all either have a solid plan, a somewhat plan, or no idea at all.  One thing that has always been "how I am" is, when I'm in drab, I am totally in drab.  A real overcompensator, doing all the overcompensator things, maybe because as a woman, I am very girly. Yes, I am guilty of never dressing my age, I wear a lot of makeup, and I never just "throw something on".  There may be those that don't really like me because of that, but that's who I am.  I always do everything I can, to look, what I think is my best, always.  I know in my heart that if I had been born genetic, I would be no different, it's who I am.  I know you all know someone like me, wakes up in the morning and won't leave the bedroom until there is makeup in place.  Here's where things get wierd, at least for me.  When I am a man, a miserable man, but 100% overcompensated man.  Loose jeans, Harley t-shirt, Harley ball cap.  When I am a woman.................... well lets just say I get lots of crap..........loving crap, but crap just the same, about how much time I spend primping in front of the mirror before we leave the house.  I get called princess ................a lot lol.  Anyway, NEVER any blur of the two different "me's".  I have a friend here, anyway, I think we are friends, we aren't that close, don't share real personal details about life, but have talked here and there and I think she is a great person.  I guess we all have many friends like that here.  Anyway, her name is Traci.  I have listened to her talk about her plan for several years.  "Don't come out" , "just start transitioning and let those around you notice, or not notice"   "Live androgenously" "When you finally do come out, they will probably pretty much know already anyway and won't really even give it much thought".  I've always thought she really gave it some thought, and it's a really smart way to do it....................... it's just NOT me.  I think it was listening to her that made me think of my plan for coming out.  A plan that ATTEMPTS to minimize the damage.  But sometimes you think you know where you are going and you get lost along the way. As well thought out and smart as I thought her plan was, I never thought I could do androgenous................. but things change.  I started self medding on herbals about 10 or 11 months ago.  I'm not on a program, until I saw my doctor last month I really didn't know if what i was doing was safe.  A few have asked what I am doing, even though everything seems ok with my doctor, who knows what the long term effect could be so I really feel a little wierd about sharing.  I will say I did a lot of reading, bought a few things, did a lot more reading, bought a little more....etc...etc.  I will say that at this point, I am eating enough ......................"roughage in pill form", to sustain 3 sheep, 4 goats, 2 cows.............and a camel.  I know there are many of you here, and outside our world that will tell you they don't work. They're wrong.  I know they probably don't work as well as the real thing, and I know they will never make me look like Jessica Rabbit, but because of my work environment, and not really being totally out, they "fit" me well.  I know it seems like I'm rambling a bit at this point, but they were the tipping point for me.  I have changed, a little physically, and a lot mentally in the last 10 months, the slight changes in my body have made me feel so incredibly better about myself. Far less depression, and I've found myself where I never thought I would be, moving towards androgenous.  When I am in drab my chest now slightly shows even under the very loose clothes that I wear.  My waist is smaller, and my pants fit a little tighter in the back. My measurements are 39, 33, 39 Now when I am in drab, I feel like I am impersonating a man. I use BB cream on my face, I have for quite some time as my skin is not the best because of the harsh desert environment I live in.  It is tinted and is like a light foundation.  I used to sleep in it. I recently started wearing it pretty much everywhere except work.  I also had bought mascarra that is designed to help your lashes grow and I used to wear it at night when I slept, and of course when I went out as "me".  But now I am wearing it everywhere but work.  I don't wear a lot when I am drab, but I wear it all the time.  It's all a very slippery slope I think and these are the beginning stages of my run down the hill of happiness.