Too long right?

• Posted by johnny rich May 5, 2011 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #perplexed growing up  1,584 views
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  I grow up in a household of only women. My house hold growing up consisted of my mom, my sister, and my two adopted sisters. I am the oldest of my siblings. From the time I was five I had more interest in their toys then my own. Though even as early as that age I had been ingrained with gender identities and I would hide off by myself when I played with their toys. However I was not very sneaky and honestly was discovered playing with a Barbie when I was 6 by my mom, who I remember to this day having an astonishingly disappointed look on her face before she took it from me. She never said a word about it, but it made me feel so embarrassed at the time. So I never played with their toys again no matter how much I desired to.

   

  However my sisters and I would still play fun games together as kids where we’d act out fairytales. I honestly never once got into fights with any of my sisters, unlike most siblings I would hear about. When my mom would take us shopping as kids and even later as teenagers, we would go to the stores and they would pick out the cutest outfits and all these super cute toys. I always helped pick stuff out and they would love the stuff I’d find for them to wear. Honestly I just picked out things I thought I’d wear if had been a girl or toys or stuff animals I wish I had been able to play with.

   

  When I started into my teenage years I would borrow clothes when no one was home and dress up. I loved the cute dresses and the stockings and trying on all the shoes. I’d try on any outfit I could fit into that I thought was super cute and play in front of the mirror. It all felt so amazing and I wished I could wear it all the time, but then I’d get paranoid and take it all off and put away and run back to my room and just try and keep the memory of how it felt. Sometimes I’d just wear one thing and go to bed with it on.. even if I had to hide it under some pajamas or under my guy clothes. I had gotten better at hiding things and never got caught doing any of that. I would play with makeup or with my hair for hours in front of the mirror when no one was around.

   

  I felt odd for wanting to do that stuff and wanting the things I really wanted. I didn’t like the guilt that came with it that had been ingrained into me. So I tried so hard to fit in with the guys at school instead. I did my best to act like them and took up skateboarding even though I didn’t like it and just did everything everyone else expected me to do. I still found myself making more friends that were girls then guys and couldn’t resist going shopping together for fun and hanging out at their houses and spending evenings listening to music and just having fun.

   

  Oddly enough by tenth grade I came to find out that even with my best attempts to fit in, most the people in my highschool thought I was gay. However the thing is I find men extremely unattractive and was actually upset to find that people had assumed I was gay for years and never bothered to ask or anything. I suppose I would appear that way though to people.

   

  My mom eventually married a guy and he moved in and became my stepdad. At that point I feared too much to do anything again for the rest of the time I lived at home. Yet still he found me too feminine and suggested to my mom to send me to the military to become a real man. So off I was shipped on my 17^th birthday to the military. Oh joy!

   

  So let’s skip ahead past all that to now-a-days. I might blog about that some day in the future.

   

  So these days my interests still include theater classes, swing dance classes, shopping with my friends, helping my friend make her 50’s style bathing suit from materials we found, I go to opera and musicals, I love to dance around my house singing and acting them out when no one is around, I have a huge hello kitty collection and lots of other cute Japanese toys and plushies. I sometimes wear cute kitty ears and still feel like there are few people I can be myself around and still feel confused about myself. I buy cosplay outfits and will spend hours looking at the girl ones or picking out cute pin up dresses or checking out scene girl clothes. Those long striped thigh high socks that are so amazingly cute have been incredibly hard not to buy.  It’s ironic because I think that’s the main reason I would get really cute girlfriends is so I could buy them the stuff I actually liked and dress them up in the cute outfits. I’d admire them and sit there wishing I could be that cute and sexy.

   

  I think what throws me off most and has since I was a teenager is the fact that sexually I am attracted to women. So it’s left me perplexed and for the longest time I did everything to ignore it. I buried myself in work and school and relationships where I did my best to act the part for them. The only girlfriends I have had that have been understanding of the way I am have been transgendered. Yet honestly I have trouble talking and opening up to people in person about this.

   

  So been searching around the web for answers and I actually came here hoping I could meet friends and people I could talk to more and get some insight. The articles have been interesting and all the information on here is golden. Everyone’s blog’s have been amazing and thanks everyone for sharing. Hopefully I’ll actually figure things out and make some friends while here.

   

   Thanks ^_^ and have a wonderful day everyone