the blues. .

• Posted by Rhonda Armstrong August 9, 2013 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs 1,649 views
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  Hello Family?

    I had a wonderful day yesterday!  It happened that I got a surprise appointment from a case worker.  I had a limited amount of time to get there.  I don't have a car so I had to use public transportation.  I normally spend the day at home when I'm there in fem.  I have a limited wardrobe that I have managed to gather over the past three years here in Portland.  Anywho instead of taking off my blouse and dress I decided to just take off my dress and don a pair of jeans.  I added a pair of flats grabbed my purse and out the door I flew.  

    I had to walk through the lobby where the staff knows of my issue and some of the co tenants.  I didn't bother saying hello just out the door and down the street to catch the bus.  As I was walking down the street it suddenly dawned on me that I was actually out side in broad day light wearing feminine clothes not just undergarments.  Oh wow.  Well I said to my self you have gone this far no use in turning back now.

    I was worried a little but this is Portland where it isn't rare to see a crossdresser in public.  I just continued on to my appointment as best I could.  I was keenly award of those around me looking for any negitive reactions.  I didn't notice any but then that might have or have not happened after I left the bus.

    I went down to see this case worker and becasue of the late afternoon hour there were only a few in the lobby.  When the case worker came out see correctly said hello Rhonda.  I had come out to her months before.  But never appeared in fem to her before.  The appointment went smoothly and I felt so good and at ease with others non shalaunce about my appearance that I decided to go on down town rather than going home and changing.

    There was a brief moment of pause just before I left I decided to visit the bathroom.  I forgot that I was dressed female and went into the men's room as I had done all my life.  Luckily no one was in there and i was able to go into a stall and take care of business.  I have taken to sitting down to do what ever business I have to do in the bathroom.  

   So I continued on my way downtown and checked my mailbox at the post office.  I decided that I needed a cup of coffee and went to my favorite coffee shop.  All the while feeling bolder and bolder. Oh I guess I should say more comfortable with myself.  I guess the internet has really done a lot to teach people that trans people are people too.  I even had a gent hold the door open for me.  

    I have for the past two months been carrying a purse and wearing earrings while still dressed in boi clothes.  So I guess that might have had something to do with my confidence building too.

     I just wanted to record this experience so that on the days when I'm not so 'full of myself' I can look back and see that I have indeed come a long way.

    I choose to stop visiting my local support group because I don't see where they have anything to offer me except some antiquated ideals.  Usually trans vs the world, or how abhorant the male self is.  I'm of the strong belief that the male part of me will be a part of me for the rest of my life and my job is NOT to get rid of it but to assimilate it into my "new' personna.

     True that there are charactoristics of the male self I would like to change but that will come over time.

    It's funny but when I started this note I was in a deep case of the blues.  I so wanted to cry.  I'm not sure why but I was feeling the need to cry.  After about half an hour writing here I'm no longer feeling the need to cry. sigh.

    Well I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself I guess. It is getting late so I will stop now.  Sweet dreams Rhonda.