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So I am writing because right now I can not help but be even more envious of Lorelei no matter how many times she says that she is so envious that I'am a Real woman it still gets to me that she does not have to deal with the **** I have to.
Periods if I follow in my mothers footsteps (Mental Pause) and other fun things come my way and it is like she is laughing in my face. There are times I feel as if I'm not worth wanting her to be more like me. I'm not as girly as she is. Hell I'm more of a man then she is and it kills me no matter how hard I try to be more like a typical girl i **** up.
It is so hard you see my past has made me this way at a young age very bad things happened to me and it made me seek out a male to protect and love me. And when i first met Lorelei I thought and felt as if she was that male who could do exactly that....
But she told me everything at first I was alright with her clothes and everything it was when she started saying she never wanted to be a male that it hit me. All this time I was trying to find some thing that she never wanted. Its like the great spirit is making it impossible for me to be happy. I can not help but cry as I write this down for you all to read, For those who do not know what has happened to me I will be kind enough to retell my story.
When I was nine i was raped by my mothers exboyfriends best friend he was staying the night and he snuck into my bed......I never told any one because I thought no one would trust me and it stayed with me and made me stronger....When I was about twelve or thirteen I was dating a guy who i thought was close very close and thought he loved me but he had asked me to have sex and I was not ready.... I Blamed myself for so many years telling myself I was the reason why he beat an raped me saying if I just said yes and went through with it.....
Any who after that I was seventeen i was timid never had many friends most of the time I was alone and if I liked some one I never did anything I just sat there not caring not giving a reason for anything. I had one friend who I swore I loved but I was to scared to ask him out so I had asked one of my few friends to ask him....He said he didn't like being asked second hand and I ran away from him and cried to myself....Some of you will think this girl needs serious "Help" I went through four years of Therapy and a whole month of a Psycho Ward when I was a child so that doesn't work....
When I first saw Lorelei I had a strong Connection it was like she was some one I could share my pain with and maybe be with. I had asked if she liked me and she said she did but she wouldn't ask me out till I finally brought myself to ask her out. I had to ask her out over so many times I forgot how many and when she said yes I couldn't help but think she was what I was looking for, For so many years of pain and suffering.
Now for what has happened now as I said before it is like the great creator is trying to tear me in two because when ever I help some one I care about I end up the one in pain......
June 16, 2013- -
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