Kicking back

Wow, over 1000 hits on my blog, who is reading this nonsense? Must be the masochists amongst us, the ones who like a good verbal kicking. Apropos, I’ve been chatting to Cerys recently trying to encourage her to go out again after a long time away from it, she was understandably nervous, and hesitant for which she apologised, and said she just needed a good kicking. So I gave her one (a kicking), verbally of course. I did it as nicely as possible but she had to go and lie down in a darkened room afterwards, bruised and battered. Seems to have done the trick though, we’re now discussing dates and venues. I’m looking forward to it, wherever we end up. Actually I can’t take credit for it, I could tell it’s what she really wanted, so obviously I just wanted to offer my encouragement, which was all it was really; I’m not a violent person, verbally or otherwise. She got her own back by inviting everyone round to my house for a party. Um, thanks for that comment Cerys. One day maybe...

I’m told that some of our girls have got their pics on the tm site again, well done girls, always nice to see tw girls on the tm site. That shall be my mission for future tm’s, watch out for that camera and leap in front of it at every opportunity. Sounds a bit egotistical that, but it would just be nice – it would kind of feel like some sort of official recognition of being a t-girl who goes out. The tm site is open to the public; you don’t have to register as a member to view the pics, so it would feel like another step towards going public. So far (as far as I know) only tw members have seen my pics. I mentioned last time about an earlier blog entry, regarding the cluttered state of my room, I’ve been thinking about the reasons for that particular blog a lot recently. It wasn’t about the untidy state of my house as such, but more to do with how much less cautious I am now about my er, habits. I used to be so fastidious about such things, hiding away every trace of anything feminine every time I left the house; now I don’t bother and it’s all over the place, upstairs at least. Apart from the fact that I no longer have room to hide everything away I think I’m doing this on purpose. Subconsciously I’m trying to out myself. Which could be why I’d like to get my pic on the tm site for all the world to see. It’s a quandary. I still can’t bring myself to tell anyone, but if they find out for themselves, well then I’d have no choice. Method in my madness perhaps, or just plain madness. I think my heart wants me to come out, but my brain is telling me it’s really not a good idea. How will I ever know, unless I go past that point of no return? How would I be better off? Out of a job (at this moment in time that would be a GOOOD thing), no more little white lies, can’t think of much else, on a practical level anyway. But I can see it doing me some good spiritually. I really don’t want to cause my parents any grief, they’ve been good to me, but at what point do I stop worrying about hurting others and start thinking about looking after myself? It shouldn’t hurt them but I’m sure it would. My mum might come round, might even get into it, start buying me useful clothes for my birthdays, or maybe I'm just being optimistic. My dad would freak. Probably disown me. He doesn't like what he doesn't understand and he is never going to understand this. Even if he did I still wouldn't expect him to like it. At least I know what to expect from him. Which puts me off telling him, to put it mildly. It's never going to happen. If he did find out though, I would handle it; I'm made of strong stuff emotionally and I'm not going to fall apart whatever happens.

Oh the coming out question, I always end up going round in circles with it, but always wanting to break the circle, find some direction. Still no conclusion though. I guess I'll just carry on making my house girly in the half-hope that someone sees it and the decision is taken out of my hands. My dad once said (long ago) that my house needed a woman's touch. If only he could see it now.