Deep breaths Lucy...

I went round to a friend's last night for a take-away and a dvd. (Minority Report, ok but a bit disappointing, the Chinese was yummy though). It's a girl I've known for many years and certainly my greatest female friend for just about as many. For some time though I feel like I've been holding something back from her, now I wonder what that could be... Yet again though, I just don't know how to tell her about me, the time didn't seem right and I do worry about inflicting such consternation on someone who has been such a dear friend for so long. Perhaps it is my insecure side that questions whether she would think any less of me, or at least see me in a different light. But in a way that's what I want; the way she sees me, or the way I try to put myself across is not the way I am and I'd like her to know me for who I really am, and hopefully, still love me. I am actually finding it harder to put myself across in that way though, blokey i mean. Ok, I've never been macho, gone out with the lads, and never tried to hide my sensitive nature, but since April when I started going out dressed, Lucy's traits have started appearing more and more in day to day life. For example I find myself walking down the street a bit like John Inman and have to kick myself in case anyone who knows me sees me, and wonders how I have become so camp, I must be gay or something they will think, after all I haven't had a girlfriend for a long time... I even flirted with the taxi driver last night, who was rather cute.

I was convinced my friend, I'll call her Ann, would at least notice my nails which are now quite long and nicely shaped, cuticles pushed back. She's commented on my hair getting longer but it's been as long in the past so no big deal. I thought she might notice my posture, less slouchy, better poise, and generally more effeminate. I wondered if she would see any significance in the way I talked about Nadia, the transsexual currently on Big Brother. (I was equally supportive of Dana International, the TS who won the Eurovision song contest some years back, I just can't help dropping hints). But maybe she just sees me as she has always done, non-macho, loving and hopefully a nice person. Anyway as the night progressed and the wine flowed i found my hints becoming less subtle, and eventually I said I'd like the chance to talk more about myself, there were things I wanted to share with her, and even that she may be shocked. So I asked her to dinner tonight at my place and of course she was happy to accept. She was lovely as ever, didn't push it (I would want to know straight away what it was all about if someone said that to me, maybe she knows, maybe my hints were not at all subtle).

I have to tell her now, there's no going back. I can't bottle out, I've dug a hole and made my bed in it. I have no idea how I will go about it, but I'm trying my best not to worry about the consequences. I'm trying, but....

Oh my god what have I done...?