Aftermath

Maybe that stage hasn’t yet been reached, or maybe this is the start of a long process, which may go on for the rest of my life. Who knows what the repercussions of people in my home town finding out I’m transsexual will be…

I’ve spoken to one of the people that has heard the rumour, someone I have known and remained friends with for many years. He was concerned that either a) this was a vicious rumour put about for reasons unknown, or b) that the rumours were true, and well, if that’s the case he wasn’t sure what to think, except that he would still support me in whatever I chose to do. It’s a relief to hear people say that sort of thing, you never know how people will react; some people have mental blocks when it comes to any deviation from the norm, and very often people turn against things they don’t understand or feel uncomfortable with. My dad for example seems to be very intolerant of non-standard behaviour, which is one of the things that worry me about him finding out. But so far I’m only aware of people who are my friends having found out, and I’ve asked them to try to keep it as quiet as possible; my dad is probably going to have to find out some time, but not just yet, not if I can help it. But someone outside my own group of friends has discovered my secret, I don’t even know who it is, so who knows who else they will tell and at what speed this news will spread. Whoever you are if you’re reading this, this is my life, don’t make it harder for me please. Lovely juicy gossip it may be but this affects people, me and my family and my friends; people get hurt.

There may be some Chinese whispers involved but the rumour as I heard it is that I am about to embark on my 2-year real life experience. This is not specifically true, but it makes me think that I haven’t just been seen dressed, and no-one that I have told has told anyone else, because I certainly haven’t told anyone that. I can only think that someone has recognised me on Trannyweb, maybe read this blog, maybe drawn their own conclusions from it. If that’s the case they must have missed a bit. I may have discussed transitioning, living full time and so on in my blog and on the forum, but I haven’t made a decision as such to start transitioning and to live full time, yes I would like to do that, but I have a few things to sort out first, logistical and otherwise. Incidentally there isn’t really a 2-year rule anymore; if you want srs on the nhs, yes you have to live full time as a woman, but there is no specific time limit on it, as far as I know, it’s just until you can convince enough people that you are not totally loopy. I haven’t even seen a doctor yet, so obviously I have made no particular plans.

Like I say maybe some of this is Chinese whispers, things get changed or exaggerated, but someone knows, and I have no control over how far this will go and what route it will take. I can only ask my friends to keep it quiet, to consider the rest of my family, but I also must be prepared for the day when the whole world knows, or my little part of it at least.

Stay positive: it’s sound advice, often dismissed as "easy to say", so how should I be positive about the possibility of everyone around me finding out before I have even worked things out for myself, the possibility of being ridiculed in the street and my whole world crumbling around me? There is one obvious cliché; I won’t have to live a lie anymore. But does that really mean anything? Is facing up to this and other people’s misconceptions of it any easier than keeping it hidden? I don’t really know yet, but I do know it’s better to tell your friends and be able to talk to them about it than to pretend to be someone else all your life. I’ve shared this with my mum, several close friends, and lots of strangers, and so far I’ve had no negativity from anyone. That helps me feel positive but it has to happen sometime. I’ve read about various experiences of negativity on this site, verbal, psychological, and physical; why hasn’t it happened to me yet? I guess keeping it to a select few helps, so maybe that will change soon. Whether or not my "not having to live a lie anymore" will outweigh any negativity I may face remains to be seen, and I’m not in a rush to find out, so for now it’s damage limitation. But I feel the seed has been planted and I’m just waiting to see things growing from it, good or bad.

I do feel positive though, for despite all the unknowns, there is one thing I do know; I don’t want to go on indefinitely as I am, keeping it a secret from many people that really matter to me, always pretending, always having something to hide. I know that some things have to change in my life, and I can’t realistically make those changes without everyone finding out. I still feel it’s difficult though, difficult to find a way of living the life that I want, of finding a way to fit in with everything and everyone around me. Difficult, but not impossible, and when I’ve worked it out I’ll let you know.

Each of us have a unique puzzle which only we can solve, we can get help and advice, even see how other people have solved their puzzles, but it’s down to the individual to work out their own life. Puzzling, isn’t it?