Must we hurt others to stop ourselves hurting?

The comments on my last blog, inspired me to write this one, I may comment on those comments either in order or at random, I don’t know, I make this stuff up as I go along.

Situations can be a puzzle, sometimes we just know, sometimes we don’t and have to guess, take a gamble. Life’s puzzle is ongoing, I’m getting there; I’m working out who I am and what I want from life, and I still need to work on how I’m going to get it. It’s not material things, it’s about who we are.

Some of us have spent their entire life pretending to be someone else, and it can be quite tiring. When you start to throw away the chains that held you in place, the ones that kept a semblance of normality in the public’s eyes, you realise you are not pretending anymore, you are just being you, how you feel inside, not how you ought to project yourself.

If a cisgendered person (look it up, cissies) were to read that it would perhaps be meaningless, maybe it would be to some transgendered as well, but for me, just being yourself is hugely important. The cisgendered take it for granted, they don’t even think about it, they can’t imagine NOT being themselves; how can you not be yourself?

Well cissies, it can be forced upon you; society tells some of us that we can’t be who we think we are, it’s simply not right. But we just ARE that way anyway whatever society says, we were born that way, all we can do is try to hide it so as not to upset you.

Or we can try to accept it and express it so as not to upset ourselves.

Once you start to express it, you start to understand self-realisation. I’ve never expressed myself until recently, only put forward an image that society will consider acceptable, not perfect, they can work with it, but protecting them from the scandalous truth about me doesn’t help me.

My dad is the personification of society. It’s becoming clear to me that I have no concerns about the "Lucy effect" on society (though I do hope it will be a good effect), only the effect it would have on one person in particular. Me being me won’t hurt anyone, with one probable exception. And I don’t want that to happen. After so many years (yes I’m really old) it’s also clear that one of us has to get hurt, I can’t please both of the people all of the time.

I ask myself, if I continue to tell lies, live a fake life, hide the truth and the real me all the time, will my dad die happy? Or will he die wondering what wasn’t quite right about me? Or more likely, will I die first? It feels as though I have to hurt him, or continue hurting myself. Not a decision I can make. Maybe that’s why I just don’t want to tell him. Maybe that’s why it seems better to have the decision made for me. A lot of people suggested that I tell him before he hears it elsewhere, but I can’t bring myself to do that, even if it would be better, which I don’t really think it would.

I’m trying to tell myself, he has to know, or I will live in no-man’s (or woman’s) land forever. I’m simply scared of him knowing, I wish I wasn’t, but I don’t know how to stop being scared of this. Suggestions on a postcard please?

Dad, my tears are ones of pain, I’ve had them before, but the thought of your pain brings them all back. Please make them go away.

xx