What you waitin’ for?

So asketh Gwen Stefani, love that song.

2005 feels much the same as 2004 so far, give or take a digit, and my life seems much the same, but one should never expect miracles…

As I mentioned, me, Pippa and Cerys met up at the village just after I got back from my family Christmas, (account in Cerys’ blog), which was most welcome after my drab week ordeal. Quite amazingly the window closed properly at the International Hotel this time, and they had put a portable heater in the room, so it was much more comfortable than last time we stayed there, though the trams woke us up as always (only a single glazed window see). Was a lovely evening and we met quite a few girls around the Village, but I’m finding I’m unable to drink large amounts, I think this is due to the drugs I’m taking, in particular the spironolactone; I’m now on 200mg a day. For those interested I’m also on 6mg Estrofem (estradiol) per day and, for 7 days each month 100mg Utrogestan (progesterone) per day. I’m experimenting with that really, there seems to be differing opinions about its use. I took it for a month and my skin improved considerably within a few days, but by the end of the month the skin was starting to feel dry and a little rough, so I think maybe that was overdoing it. If anyone out there has any experience of taking progesterone I’d be most interested. I will, I promise, be seeking medical advice in the very near future. Once I get referred to a gender clinic they ought to prescribe me the drugs, though they’re not too expensive to buy (globaldrug.tv is the cheapest, though they don’t seem to do progesterone so I get that from Inhouse Pharmacy).

I’m trying to second guess how my dad will react, or rather just how badly he will react. I’m not sure whether it will be best to see a doctor first to show I mean business or whether he will think that I ought to have spoken to him first, maybe it really doesn’t matter. Having lived in close quarters with him for nearly a week I felt less that he didn’t really need to know just yet and more that I was hiding the truth from him, so much so that I feel I’m being dishonest with him now. I need to get moving with my transition, more than just taking hormones, so I really ought to bite the bullet and tell him. I have to admit, it will be the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve no idea how to go about it with a view to damage limitation. He’s not a scary person as such, just has narrow minded views on what is normal, and a lack of understanding (I think) about this sort of thing being chance, not choice, as Wendy puts it. Even if he realises that my transsexualism was given to me at birth, he will still argue that I have the choice of what to do about it, and that my chosen path is the wrong direction entirely.

But I know I can’t go on living a half-life. The past year really was the best year of my life so far, I’ve met wonderful people and worked through my own problems and discovered a whole lot more about myself, but I would still be in limbo if I stay like this. Eventually the money will run out and I’ll need to find a job. I’d like to be able to do that as Lucy, not as Fred (no that’s not my "real" name, but it’ll do for you) and I have a wonderful opportunity to take the steps I need to achieve that.

Besides, the body clock is ticking away, tick tock tick tock…