Now where were we…?

My cousin, Tracy came for dinner last night. I’m very fond of her, we’re quite close though I don’t get to see her that often as she lives about an hour away, and is a busy girl. However this week one of our relatives moved into the area, which means that Tracy will be visiting more often, and hopefully will call in on me from time to time. If I haven’t scared her off that is, I don’t think I did…

I’d wanted to tell her about me for ages; it’s the people close to you that you actually want to tell. So last night I did. I wish I’d filmed it or something because she showed the perfect way of how to react when someone tells you they are transsexual. She was brilliant, and I was amazed by her calmness, understanding and her Tracyness in general. I should be getting used to telling people by now but something in my head seems to tell me that it’s going to be difficult. I needn’t have been apprehensive. We are lifelong friends, lived close to each other when we were young, then when our family moved away we still used to visit every other week, or they would come to us. I always looked forward to that, having a girl to play with, just to associate with really, and I saw myself in her. All throughout my life it’s been strangely comforting to see her grow up, and see how I could have been had I been given the right body. She said to me last night, "I always knew we had a lot in common but I never realised quite how much." I knew though, always. She also said she wasn’t surprised, although she had no idea (there could be a pattern forming here), it just all kind of made sense. I showed her my (best) photo’s and she was stunned. "IS THAT YOU?!"

"Er, yes…"

"OH MY GOD…!"

She thought I looked better as a woman and I had to agree. It looks better to me because I look like I feel inside. Wearing drab and seeing myself like that looks, well, weird.

When I said I had something to tell her she said "Oh god…", I said it may seem a bit strange, but just to try and go with it. She said, "Is it anything to do with that nail varnish you’re wearing?" It was just clear varnish, actually the nail strengthener that mum had bought me for Christmas (great stuff), but yes, it was something to do with that. She thought I was going to tell her I’m gay or something, perhaps what most people first think when you sit them down with a serious look on your face, but no, I’m not that. It was fine though, no, it was actually very lovely; she wanted to know all about it, how it had affected me, what I had been up to in the last year, where I wanted to go from here. She thought I was very brave, and above all honest. The honesty thing is kind of a key factor in my decision to finally do something about myself. I can’t go around being a fake person, meeting people and not showing who I really am, lying to friends and family about what I’m doing, who my "other" friends are… it grinds you down, and I hate the feeling of falseness it brings. So when I tell someone close to me it’s bound to be a weight off my mind, something off my chest… but when the people close to me react in such a positive and caring way, it’s truly wonderful, and gives me that little bit of extra strength, and determination to do what’s right, and reassurance that what I’m doing IS right.

When we were saying goodbye she grabbed both my hands, looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you, thank you". No Tracy, thank YOU.