The unsent letter

Today I wrote my dad "The letter", the one that tells him everything he needs to know about me but was afraid to ask. Well to be honest everything I have always been afraid to tell him. To say I am emotionally drained would be a serious understatement. I wrote from the heart, at great length, and was in floods of tears most of the time. The words weren’t hard to find, but when they came out, so did my emotions. I didn’t quite expect it to have that effect on me, but I do feel better having written it. I don’t know quite how he will take it, how he will react, how he will be towards me in the future, but now I’ve said it all, I know I’m doing the right thing. I do hope he will want to talk to me, I have so much more to say, it’s not possible to say it all in one letter. He may never wish to speak to me again, seriously, but I just don’t know, so I’m not going to try and guess. Stress is bad for you so I’m not going to stress about it either, just wait and see what happens. I won’t send the letter for a few more days; as I said there is something to be got out of the way, and I’ve no idea how often he checks his email (yes it has to be via email, I don’t have a printer, and my hands were shaking too much to write with a pen). I now have another letter to write to my brother, and I also have a stepsister who I’m quite fond of and who of course needs to be told, somehow, but for today, I’ve done enough letter writing.

That, when it’s all done, is my immediate family out of the way. There are several uncles, aunts, cousins and a grandparent, but I’m can’t say I’m too worried about any of them. My gran is lovely, and hopefully my mum will explain it to her, when the time is right.

Then there are friends, just a few left really that don’t already know and are proper friends, but there are lots of acquaintances. Oh well, I see this as a test for them, are they decent people or are they complete morons? We shall soon know.

I have made an appointment to see my GP, don’t know what he will think either, but professional help can’t be a bad thing. I need to get some tests done, as I’ve been self-medicating for several months now, no doubt I will get a slap on the wrist for that, but tough. Hopefully he will see that I am serious at least. I haven’t seen him before, but I’m told he’s quite young. I will be very surprised if he’s ever come across this before, in his profession at least, I must ask him. Who knows, maybe he’s a regular at The Village…?

One thing I must add to today’s blog, ‘cos this is really weird this is – I got some new clothes today in the post, nice black gypsy skirt, very me, nice top, camisole… and trousers! Yes you read it right, Lucy now owns trousers. Hipster style, and this is the weird part – I actually quite like them. Combined with the new top they look quite sexy, a rather elegant outfit in fact. Must take a picture soon, make sure it’s not just my imagination. It was an experiment really, but something that perhaps I could get used to. Well a girl’s got to be versatile. I must go and try them on again, see if I still like them…

They arrived at the same time as my credit card bill, oh dear. You could say it has been a day of mixed emotions.

xx