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After feeling somewhat dejected and out on a limb I woke up the next day feeling much better, as though my strength had returned. I feel I am at last in control of my own life and want to show how positive that is to those around me. But their feelings are really out of my control so all I can do is try to help them understand, and ultimately believe, for they can be a cynical lot. If not cynical then they certainly like to draw their own conclusions despite my plain speaking to the contrary, always to trying to psychoanalyse me, rather badly I feel.

This morning I got a letter from my GP, saying that having researched the procedure it is necessary for me to have a local psychiatric assessment and so he has referred me to a doctor at the general hospital in town, just a few miles away thankfully. As long as she agrees that it is appropriate I will then be referred to a specialist centre such as Charing Cross. I guess I just have to wait for them to contact me with an appointment and I have no idea how long that wait will be, or indeed how long the assessment will take. Hopefully not too long, though I’ve heard of some girls on this site being told they will need to attend for 12 - 18 months, utterly ridiculous. I have GID, plain and simple, and I know what I want to do about it, I just have to prove that I’m not mad. Oh dear…

I’ve also joined two Yahoo groups dealing with FFS, one specifically dedicated to Dr Suporn in Thailand, who at present seems my most likely candidate. I’m pretty much decided as to what I’d like to have done but I need to speak to whichever surgeon I decide upon before being absolutely sure. I was thinking of having a chondrolaryngoplasty in England as soon as possible, that’s a thyroid cartilage reduction, AKA tracheal shave, or adam’s apple made smaller to those of us who speak plain English. I’ve had one price so far, whilst the surgery costs a mere £1,000 the consultation, anaesthetist, hospital fees and travelling expenses push the actual cost up to around £3,000. A bit steep for such a quick and relatively straightforward procedure. I only know of two other surgeons in the UK who perform this operation, one of whom I’ve only heard bad things about and the other I will try to get a price from tomorrow. I doubt it will be much, if any, less. Which means that I would be considerably better off financially to have this done at the same time as my FFS, which just means I have to be more patient. I could in fact fly to Thailand just to have this done and still save around £1,000 off the cost of having it done here, and that would also give me chance to suss things out over there, but it’s a bloody long way to go for a 30 – 40 minute procedure. I remain open-minded, or undecided to be honest.

I’m not in a great hurry for the FFS; I want to get more fit first, it will certainly be a gruelling experience, and of course I want to be absolutely sure of all that’s involved. But with summer approaching and me wanting to get out much more often, not to mention the NHS required "real life experience" looming on the horizon, I feel very conscious of the rather large protrusion on my neck. I get around it by wearing light scarves or high neck sweaters in the winter, not practical of course in summer. It is after all, a dead give-away, and rather ugly.

Oh and I had my ears pierced recently, which was nice. I expect it will piss my dad off, but I can’t help that. My body, my ears, my life. And I am in control of it, not him.

xx