It's there if you want it

Got up this morning to find a letter from Charing Cross gender clinic (The Claybrook Centre), not an appointment, just a questionnaire asking for basic details and confirmation that I do want an appointment to be made and that I promise I will turn up. Yes, I promise I will be there. They say they get a lot of people who don’t turn up, which is quite sad really. Surely all these people haven’t suddenly decided that they do not suffer from GID and don’t need any help? More likely they give in to their own fears, or they lack the confidence within themselves to go through with it. Though I hasten to add that this is not a criticism on themselves, more on the attitudes and pressures of society; there is so much mystery and so many preconceptions surrounding anything transgender related. One has to make a leap of faith in some way, dive into the unknown world of how you are going to be perceived and treated living in your chosen role, regardless of how sure you are about your real gender.

We can’t just blame society though, too easy a cop-out, and after all, we are as much a part of society as everyone else. At least we ought to be. I’ve spent a long time hiding away, or at least not really wanting to go out because of the discomfort I feel having to live in a role which society has dictated. Not any more. It’s my turn to tell society what gender I am.

So far in my experience though, society doesn’t actually seem to have a problem with me. I said once that to me my dad is the personification of society; I talk about prejudices and preconceptions but the truth is I never really see them, never experience them first-hand, except when it comes to my dad. He has been fairly quiet about all this, towards me at least, but I gather that he is no nearer to "coming to terms" with my situation than he ever was.

How hard can it be?

I don’t expect him to accept this straight away, to welcome Lucy with open arms, but I would hope that he would want to understand what is going on, to learn more about my condition. For in order to ever accept, he must first understand, and in order to do that he must WANT to understand. At the moment I think he just doesn’t want to know. Ignore it, it might go away. Hope they find a cure for it soon…

There is a cure, hence my letter this morning. It’s the only cure, dad, the only way.

So I feel now that I must move on regardless, and hope that in some way he will catch up, that the chasm between us will not continue to increase as I move further along my path. For I can’t wait for his approval, something that may never come. Nor can I wait for his understanding, even though he is a remarkably intelligent bloke, nor can I wait for him to start wanting to understand.

The most positive thing he has said to me so far is "I will not stand in your way". But he needs to do better than that for his own sake. It’s him who has the problem, and him who needs to solve it.

I got a new ID photo this week (see below), somewhat better than my old one, in fact I actually quite like it. Will be nice to have a passport photo that doesn’t make me cringe. So I got a form from the post office for changing the name or photo on my driver’s license. I want to do both, but I’m not entirely sure they will accept this without an accompanying letter, given my rather startling change in appearance. But I think I’ll send it off regardless, just to see what happens. After all, the new photo does look like me, the old one doesn’t any more, and I do have a name change deed, but I suspect that this may fall under some special circumstance which is not covered by their explanatory notes. First I must get my passport back off my dad (he hasn’t taken it off me to stop me leaving the country or anything, he’s just had it for ages following some legal stuff I had to sign). In the absence of my birth certificate which has disappeared off the face of the earth, I must provide my passport as proof of ID. So I guess that will give me an excuse to go over and talk to him. He doesn’t yet know that I have changed my name (to a name he seems to hate with a vengeance), not only that, I have dropped his precious surname and taken another. Will he see that as a slap in the face? Not wanting to be a part of his family? It’s none of that of course, it’s just a nicer sounding name. Purely that, nothing else, not even an attempt to distance myself from my past life.

I went out the following day to meet mum for a girly lunch, and to post a dress that I’d sold on T-bay. I’ve put a few more items up for sale and will be adding more very soon, so come on girls, get bidding, there are some real bargains for the taking. Happy shopping!

xx

Would you buy a used dress from this woman?