Big brother is watching you

Yep, today is the day when my big brother gets to meet Lucy for the first time. I say, "meet Lucy", I’m not sure whether that is totally appropriate really as I am not a different person, just I wear different clothes and he now knows me better than he did. I think I have changed in subtle ways, mainly that I don’t have to hide my natural female side, so I won’t be greeting him with an, "Alright mate!" and a firm handshake, for example. Anyway you know what I mean when I say "meet Lucy", and I expect I will continue to say it.

It will be strange for him to see me made up and in girly clothes, and strange for me too, as I’ve had to put on this blokey act since early adulthood, it will be strange not to have to put up that defence anymore. In fact it is an old habit and even though I know full well it’s not me it doesn’t die easily. I am still in the process of unlearning my old habits, which were really defences as I say, so one can’t help but feel a little vulnerable going into battle without them.

It won’t be a battle though, my battling days are over. From now on I will let him be contradictory to his heart’s content. He can listen to me or not as he chooses, if he has a differing opinion then I shan’t argue. As Catherine Tate says, "Am I bothered though?"

Something was never right as far as our brotherly relationship went, perhaps that will become obvious to him now. I’m going in with a different attitude and I hope that after the initial uneasiness, things will improve between us. They were never that bad really, but he never "got" me, and obviously never saw me for who I was. Not entirely his fault of course.

I don’t expect him to suddenly realise he has a sister, or see me as such, but he has been positive recently and he doesn’t suffer from the debilitating narrow-mindedness that my father has. One can only hope that he will understand and be supportive. Families are inclined to go on about how this is difficult for them, and I fully appreciate that, but in their difficulty some might forget who this is really difficult for. Most people take their gender identity for granted, so much so that they don’t even realise such a thing exists, and it must be hard for anyone to imagine how it is possible for one’s identity to be incongruous with their body, let alone how bad that actually feels.

To be on the right path helps a lot, it takes away a lot of misery but highlights other problems. Living as a woman but physically being a bit of an in-betweeny is not entirely ideal but it has to be done, and I will do whatever has to be done to reach my destination. Still a long way to go…