No man's land

Just been to the dentist, somewhat overdue for a check-up and I had a little chip on the corner of a tooth (I know, I know I should stop eating chips). I hadn’t informed them of my change of name, and at this stage decided not to, maybe next time. So I went just in baggy pants and a t-shirt, and without shaving or make up since I’m supposed to be going out tonight. Sat in the waiting room, 2 blokes, 1 woman and myself. The dentist’s assistant stuck her head round the corner to ask, "Mr X please?" (me). She was an older lady, I hadn’t seen her before. I stood up and smiled at her and she said, "Oh Mrs X, I’m sorry". Like I say, older, her eyesight was probably fading, maybe she should get her glasses checked. So anyway I said, "Well you were sort of right the first time", (as per the name on my card), "I’m a bit in-between at the moment, bit of a long story". In retrospect it wouldn’t take too long to explain, but I wasn’t about to. She didn’t respond to that, wasn’t looking at me as she led me in to the dentist’s room, so I greeted the dentist with a deep-pitched, but warm and friendly, "Hello!" Just in case she still had any doubts. I was feeling a little playful I have to admit, but it is lovely for people to correct themselves like that. Now this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, nor the first time I have blogged about it so apologies for repeating myself, but why is it that I get read when I’m out dressed but assumed to be a woman when I’m in drab? I guess it’s to do with signals and how close you get to people. The woman at the dentist’s corrected herself within a second, so presumably just saw the long blonde hair, maybe noticed both ears were pierced, maybe my "buds" are showing more than I thought. It was just a first impression, and pure luck that she noticed those gender markers rather than the 2 day’s stubble, or the lumps from shaving (still there), or the fact that I’m 5’ 10" and a bit etc…

I suppose it also begs the question, have I broken my vow of full-timeness? (Haven’t been out in drab since May). It’s a rhetorical question so you don’t have to answer, but I don’t really think this counts as "presenting one’s self in the male role". Firstly, the fact that I’m being "seen" as a woman counts in my favour. Also, I don’t expect many women would slap on the make up with the dentist about to poke around in their gob. No, most women would wear baggy pants and a t-shirt and not risk having their lippy smudged all over their face. The shaving – well I can’t help that, shaving twice in one day is not an option and it was too early to shave if I’m to go out tonight. Basically I don’t feel as though I was presenting as a man, apart from the intentional low-pitched greeting, something I’m trying hard not to do at the moment generally, I just don’t feel like a man. Ok it sounds like I’m trying to justify myself, it’s a bad habit of mine, but I came out of the dentist and thought about how I had been. Natural, myself. Chatting to the receptionist like I never used to, smiling to people, asking the dentist questions, like I never used to, just being me, the new me, the new, improved me. I don’t have to wear a skirt or make up or tell people I’ve changed my name to feel like, or present myself as a woman. Because I just am. I’ve dropped the act I used to put on, and lost the insecurities I used to feel going out as a bloke. Clothes do not maketh the woman. It’s just who you are.

The dentist is kind of cute, maybe I will tart myself up a bit next time!

Mum and I went out shopping a couple of days ago, I often park my car there when I’m in town as she’s close to the centre, so she asked if she could come with me. Well of course! It was the first time we’d been out shopping together with me dressed. We did go out before Christmas, as regular readers may recall, me wearing, um, baggy pants and a t-shirt, I don’t have many male clothes see. Didn’t stop her holding up tops and even a sexy pink chemise against me to see how they looked, drawing the occasional smile from the girls behind the counter, I wasn’t bothered of course. It was nicer though to be appropriately dressed, and to finally do something that mothers and daughters the world over must do often, go shopping. We tried a few things on and it was nice to have her opinion on things and she seemed to appreciate mine on the stuff she tried, we tend to agree about clothes it would seem. We had a good rummage on the make up stall at the market too, great fun, and she gave me a big hug afterwards and said it was lovely to go shopping with her daughter. It was lovely for me too (and I bought 2 more tops!)

Like my visit to the dentist, it was well overdue!