Oh, Dad…

I don’t expect I’m ever going to find the words that will make you understand, but ultimately that’s all I wish for; that you reach some understanding of who I am, what I have been through all my life, what I am doing to ensure my own survival and peace of mind, etc…

It saddens me that you say you hate what I am doing, "incomprehensible" is better than "hate". You shouldn’t hate it, perhaps it’s fear of the unknown? Fear this – if I went back to living as a man, one way or another I would destroy myself, such is the nature of this condition. You shouldn’t wish for my own destruction, for that would be the only possible outcome of any 180 degree shift in my course.

I’m not doing this as some sort of wheeze, it’s not because I’m a weirdo, I just have to be myself, my real self. You may still believe that something has happened that has made me want to do this, something that happened in my life changed me; not so. I’ve always been this way. I’ve tried very hard to fit in, to do what is expected of a man, to appear to be a normal bloke. If I achieved any of that it was in appearance only, it never changed what I am on the inside and never will, never can, no way. Trust me, no amount of therapy can change the way my brain is wired up, all I can do is take steps to make me feel better about myself, give me the congruency that has always been missing from my life, something that most people take for granted.

"I would rather none of this were happening", maybe I would too, but it has to, and it’s for the best. It’s not going to cause me problems, it’s going to solve them, problems that I’ve always kept hidden. I wish I'd been more honest about them.

Gay people don’t choose to be gay, trans people don’t choose to be trans, they are born that way (yes, they ARE). Same-sex couples have now been given similar rights as different-sex couples, transsexuals are now legally recognised in their true gender. Before too long I will have a birth certificate that states that I am female. The government recognises my condition, the medical profession recognise it, you can too, if you’d only try. I’m not a freak, weirdo, pervert (or gay); I’m me, the same me I always have been, but without the old façade, and at last finding some peace of mind, some happiness.

There are only two real choices for me: a) live as a woman, or b) die, soon. Which would you prefer? I’m sure you’re thinking of a c), sorry, it’s not there; a) or b), that’s it. I choose life.

Wishing none of this were happening seems a strange reason for not discussing it with anyone else. I wish you would discuss it, at least with me, but you might even be reassured to hear other people’s opinions on the subject. In the last 12 months I’ve practically gone from reclusive agoraphobic to social animal, I’ve talked to a lot of people about it, seen reactions from strangers, always positive, or neutral; never negative. So far, your reaction has been unique, but you’re you, just like I’m me.

Of course I always knew this would be difficult with you, why do you think it took me nearly 40 years to tell you?! But it needn’t be impossible. I’ve a lot to go through in all this, but I’m not asking for your help. I would however like to help you come to terms with it, if I can. You should talk to people about it, you should try to understand, you should WANT to understand. And you shouldn’t hate it.

All I want is to be the best person I can be, hell, to actually BE a person makes a change, and to maintain (perhaps even improve) the loving relationships that I’ve always had with my friends and family. That includes you, dear Father.

Please have a good Christmas, please don’t think about me if it upsets you, and please give my love to M*****, who I think is a wonderful woman, by the way. Maybe one day I’ll be a wonderful woman too, surely that’s better than being a depressed, alcoholic, agoraphobic, suicidal woman in a bloke’s body?

Please keep in touch.

Lots of love,

Your daughter, Lucy

So there you go, it's a bit personal, but on this occasion I wanted to share it with you. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's finding her dad to be the biggest obstacle in terms of understanding. He's not going to reply saying, "Ah yes, now I understand..." but change does not happen overnight. When I said in my last blog, "For the time being I give up", it was never going to be for long.

My dad is wrong to "hate" this, effectively that means he hates me, for "this" is who I am, and I know he doesn't really hate me. It's not easy to convince your dad he's wrong, especially when it's my dad, but I have to try to help him understand, for only then will he lose the hatred, get over his phobia.

No-one said it would be easy.

Love and peace, and Merry Christmas!

xx