It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…

I mean blogged, sorry dear blog I’ve been neglecting you.

Christmas seems so far away it seems strange to be even talking about it, but I’d like to give this one a quick mention, for my own personal record. One or two differences to my previous 41 Christmases this time, I haven’t seen my dad since June so he was out of the picture. Strange, and a little sad that on the one day of the year when I always see him he was having none of it. That aside, things were generally a lot better, at least I felt a lot better. I went to mum’s along with my gran, cousin Tracy and 2 friends – a woman I’ve known all my life and her new(ish) husband who I was meeting for the first time. As it was Christmas I put on a nice skirt, a lovely black satin A-line with embroidered hem that I’d bought recently. Tracy also wore a posh skirt so that was nice, I’ve always thought of her more as a sister so it was great to share this day with her and be, well, like sisters. Perhaps the greatest relief this year was that no-one bought me after-shave, socks, useless blokey gadgets or anything else that I really didn’t want to receive. Now I hope that doesn’t sound selfish but blokey stuff really has never been any use to me and it’s something I always hated getting, not cos it was useless but because it was blokey; it only served to remind me of the lie I was living. That stuff is meant for someone else, not me…

All my presents were suitably girly, so I’ve got to say that was really, really lovely. Jewellery, accessories, pampery stuff… super. I felt loved. And all the cards I got were correctly addressed to Lucy so I guess just about everyone knows by know, apart from a few ghosts. No doubt they’ll be popping up in the future. Unlike Scrooge, ghosts of Christmas yet to come are the spirits I fear the least.

Like Scrooge, I’m a changed person, and I look forward to the future with relish. I actually want tomorrow to come, rather than blot out today and not have to think about it. The future for me holds more change, instead of more drudgery, and I’m not yet changed enough to feel complete. So I welcome tomorrow knowing that it’s one day closer to my goal, rather than just another day, much like yesterday…

The previous Christmas, mum was the only one in our family who knew about Lucy so she gave me a few girly pressies before "the" day cos she knew what I’d want, but really this was my first public "Lucy" Christmas. Other than that it was turkey and mince pies as normal.

This Saturday another first happened, oh god should I even tell anyone? Well it’s not that bad really…

My brother was up doing another DJ night at my local, and afterwards we had a lock-in. I wasn’t going to stay all night or get drunk but everyone was nagging me to have a good time and have another drink so I did. Anyway, bruv set up a karaoke thing and you know what’s coming next don’t you. Yes, I sang, on stage, in front of people, in a skirt. Come to think of it I’ve done that before but that was just fancy dress and I was only doing backing vocals with a full band and I had 3 keyboards to hide behind. This time I was like "the singer"! Oh god I’ve NEVER done that before, always refused point blank to sing karaoke, well, to sing anything on my own actually. So I must have been quite drunk but it was more than that; no amount of alcohol would ever have given me the confidence to sing in public as a bloke, so surely this shows that there is person inside me that could never come out before, could never do those sort of things.

Well, now she can, and she’s here to stay.

Oh and by the way I did "Walk like an Egyptian" by The Bangles and everyone got up and did the sand dance and one of the girls got up and did the ""Way oh way ohh" bits with me. Girly rock and roll - love it.

xx