Voice of the soul

Hi Michelle, thanks for your sweet comment. About the voice training, no I haven’t had any yet, though that is something that the NHS will provide. I have to make an appointment with my GP in a few weeks to sort out my prescription and to see if he can refer me to a voice therapist locally, otherwise I will have to go down to the one at Charing Cross In London, which is a long way to go for me; I live only about 50 miles away from Scotland!

The voice is one of the hardest things to deal with in transition, at least for me; I have a naturally very deep voice. I’m just trying to adjust it gradually; it’s quite weird and feels almost false to attempt to suddenly speak in a totally different voice. I’ve read a lot of tips, and at the moment am just trying to keep it soft and stop my pitch falling below a certain level. The hardest thing is remembering to do so! The voice is a huge part of our identity, we probably don’t realise how much so until we try to change it. It feels to me like having to create a new persona for myself, which I have mixed feelings about. Although I don’t feel anything masculine at all inside me, I am aware that over the years, peer group pressure and so on, I have picked up male traits and need to relearn a few things. Despite our insistence that we ARE feminine, it can be harder than you might think. Old habits die hard…

I’ve always sung backing vocals in previous bands, not because I’m a great singer, but usually because no-one else would! I’ve resisted doing so in this band, thankfully the 2 guitarists already do quite well in that department, but I do sing on one song which was lacking a bit in the chorus, so I offered. I SO wish I could sing like a woman, and that’s the one thing that tempts me towards voice surgery. I don’t believe any voice therapy can increase my vocal range to approach that of a natal female, it’s a physical restriction, but maybe with the right teacher I could improve the tone. There are no guarantees with voice surgery, and so it’s something I would never rush into. But one of the possible complications of a tracheal shave is that it can actually lower your pitch, so combing it with voice surgery could be a possible way of evening out that risk, or it could be just an added risk. You don’t know until you try. A trach shave is essential for me, voice surgery is undecided, but probably unlikely.

Last night’s gig was a stonker, another technical term, at least in Cumbria. Our best gig yet, and we all so enjoyed it. This was despite going on stage about to start when the bass player realised there was nothing coming out of his bass, the socket had apparently broken since the soundcheck, not something you can fix in a hurry. So after much swapping of leads and bypassing of amps trying to isolate the problem we were left having to ask a friend in the audience if we could borrow his bass, and had to drive across the other side of town to get it, making us half an hour late going on, needing to drop a few songs from the set, and having approximately a 3 minute break. Time enough to have a wee and touch up my lippy at least!

To hear that first note come out of the bass amp was such a relief, and we knew we had to really pull our socks up and not hang about in between songs. When you create that anticipation amongst the audience in can sometimes work in your favour, and I think that was the case last night. It's a good pub, great atmosphere, reputation for good bands, in-house PA that actually sounds decent (especially with me on the desk!) and usually an enthusiastic crowd. Last night was fantastic. I have never felt so good on stage. I can’t deny that I have enjoyed certain gigs in the past; music, which means so much to me, has no gender barriers and is the one thing that has the ability to lift me from my dysphoric state without actually being bad for me! But however good a gig was when I was onstage in male mode, there was always a certain angst, not just a need for catharsis, but a gnawing, craving necessity. It was a release, but an ever-present battle between that and actual enjoyment. I can’t put into words how it feels to be onstage feeling myself, natural, the way I am supposed to be, and what a difference it makes. In a way the stage is a showcase for my life, because that’s how it feels in day to day life too, just being myself, but somehow onstage everything is amplified, and I don’t just mean the volume! Last night my soul was filled with voices like Sirens, singing "I am me". In a previous life I had screaming banshees, "This is your hell", and I either hid from that hell by drinking or did battle with it by pouring out my soul in music, or both, not a good mix. I now have the desire just to play music with beauty, not fuelled by anger and resentment. It’s no longer a battle, but a joy.

A bit like life really.

xx