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Christmas left me feeling slightly exhausted, and just when I thought I was getting my energy back I go out to a new year’s eve party, drink too much and spend the next 3 days (and counting) feeling totally wiped out again. I didn’t drink that much really, but I’m obviously not used to being drunk having had almost 6 months teetotal last year, and generally being very sensible for the rest of the year. So being sensible with alcohol is one more for the list of new year resolutions. I don’t normally make them, but this year I feel more motivated to look after my body, which I now care about like never before. After all, it cost me quite a lot of money and a good deal of discomfort to get it the way I’ve always felt it should be.
I’m 3 months post-op now, I guess it’s all going reasonably well and according to schedule. There is still occasional soreness, mainly when I exert myself too much I think, but generally, healing is continuing ok and it’s starting to look really good.
On one of my Christmas pressie gift tags Mum had written, "2007 – what a year!" It certainly was; I finally achieved my dream and sorted my body out, ending years of frustration and unhappiness in my own skin. For a long time I thought it would always be a dream, but a few years ago something happened and I found the courage to tell the world about me and live my life the way I have to, the way I want to, the way I must in order to thrive and be happy; to survive even.
I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to finally make these changes to my body, especially when the outcome of my surgery has been so good. I am so happy in my own skin now, so content, and all the healing, dilating, tiredness and discomfort are negligible in the great scheme of things – far outweighed by the super results of surgery and how it has brought me an inner peace that I have never known before.
So I look forward to 2008 in a way that I have never done with any other year. My first full year physically female. Who knows what it will bring, it may turn out to be rubbish, but I’m ready for anything. I don’t have any great plans for this year (unlike last year), but I am looking forward to living a normal life, getting back to work with the band, and just being ME.
I’d like to thank everyone who has helped me along my way, Pip, and all my good friends, and especially my mum. Her support has been awesome, I am so grateful for all she has done for me. Her love shines like a beacon, she is amazing, and I love her. Thank you, Mum. Words cannot express my gratitude, or my love for you, but I have to say it anyway. I’m so glad you have been there to share my journey.
In complete contrast, there’s my dad…
I don’t dwell on his non-acceptance of me anymore, but I did happen to see him a few days before Christmas. My brother, his daughter, his girlfriend and her daughter were up visiting. My dad’s jazz band were playing at a local pub (one of MY gigs), so we all went out to see him, but only after my bruv had rung my dad to ask him if he would "mind" if I came along, it being a bit of a family night out. I don’t think he could really say no, but I’m sure he said yes somewhat begrudgingly. Of course when we arrived no-one stared at me or ran out of the room screaming. My dad refuses to believe that I can live my life without that happening, so hopefully that is one ridiculous belief of his that has been blown away. He didn’t come over to talk to us during the break, so I went to say hello to him as I couldn’t stay til the end (had to get back to dilate). He looked at the floor, grunted, and made it clear that he didn’t want to speak to me. I didn’t really expect anything else from him, but I couldn’t help but be a bit upset to actually see that look of rejection in his face. I soon got over it though. He knows that his extremism on this sort of subject is slightly ridiculous, and not the way the majority of people feel, certainly not our mutual friends who were there and chatting to me as normal. If they broach the subject with him, he just says he won’t talk about it. At least he has seen me now, so that’s one barrier that has been crossed. I’m sure I don’t look as bad as I did in his imagination!
So the lessons I learn from this are not to judge people, always try to be open-minded and if you don’t understand others or their way of life, at least try to accept that as long they are not hurting anyone they’re not doing any harm, society is not going to collapse, and they are probably just trying to survive this life the best they can. Oh, and if you have kids, don’t disown them just for being honest with you, just for being themselves; they don’t love you any less because of it.
Peace unto you all, and a very happy new year. I hope you all find whatever it is you are looking for. Be strong, have courage, and above all, be yourself.
Much love to everyone on Trannyweb.
xx
