Gender Dysphoria and Christmas

• Posted by Hannah Ceridwen Eluned Cavendish-Grosvenor December 22, 2015 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs 1,007 views
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  For those of us Transitioning in 'middle-age', the 'Festive Season' is more often than not a 'double-edged' sword. I have not been inclined to fly home and join the family this or last year. To illustrate my point: one of the things I note from my trips to the only eighteenth century Coaching-House in our 'village', and the only Pub I visit, is that the male regulars still 'by and large' see me as male. One of the main reasons I 'dress' as I do (skinny jeans, flats, blouse and cardigan, etc.) is to let other people know what gender I identify with, despite a life-time acting 'master classes'.

   

  One of the girls who attends our Group, was in a major panic yesterday: I read what she had posted, contacted her and we met for lunch.I hope that my natter eased her pain and helped. Below, is a relevant part of her post, which seems to me to be so very applicable to a great many of those whom I know personally via the three Groups I regularily attend. This is her text:

   

  "I have come to realise that everybody I know thinks of me as male. I was always wierd: so, the whole 'looking-female' thing is just one more wierd that he does, so let's play along. There is nothing that I can do about anybody thinking I'm male. I'd hope my Trans friends don't, but I don't know, I can't know.

   

  They really do not know anything about Dysphoria, let alone have heard the term. They have no idea how I feel about how I personally feel about how they perceive me. The sense of hopelessness, sadness, anxiety and fear builds up until until I carry a knot in my midriff. It has a very physical feel to it. The small thoughts start and they're persistent. Everybody thinks I'm just messing about. Nobody who knew me before coming-out will ever see me a s the female I am. It does not even matter after GRS, they'd still think I'm having a joke. I'm their male friend who jokes consistently - the wierd one.

   

  These voices tell me that I should run away, abandon everything, start again where nobody knows me, but then I get hit by the thoughts of loss of my loved ones: I can't abandon them, but I can't be me unless I do.

   

  I can't talk to my wife agout Dysphoria, as when I start, she gets very upset like i'm breaking with her, even tho' I'm not; and, I get so upset at upsetting her that I can't formulate the thoughts properly, which makes it worse. I can't just leave the house, that's an unfair burden on her to take on the children, and it would leave the kids wondering why I'd suddenly left.

   

  I end up in a cycle of repeating negative thoughts. I know where this leads. I have coping mechanisms, I do breathing exercises, I go off and generally this helps, it has to, because there's no other course."

   

  "A Day at a Time"