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She had said what she had said – i had done what i had done , i had been disobedient , i had forced control away from her, i had held her i had been dominant with her – i had wanted to show her that i could be there for her to that i could still be the person who protected her who held her , not just the person she looked after – i had failed.
She had said afterwards it was ok , but i knew it was not , i had had good reasons , good intent even but it didn’t matter.
We had cuddled , but i knew for me it was not ok , i knew what would come, i knew the lack of punishment from her meant my body would soon be out of control , the stress would build , i knew it would come.
We drifted to sleep in each other's arms,
I awoke a little later and ran to the toilet where it started my tummy gave up its contents. I tried to lie back down and couldn’t i doubled over in pain – i tried to control my breathing , control the pain , control the feeling of swelling in my lower tummy focused on the deep pastel blue pool i imagined in my mind , focus on its ice cold cooling waters.
The pain died away , an hour had gone by i was covered in cold sweat , she lay next to me innocently asleep , her breathing a small comfort , next to my own erratic jerky efforts to keep control of my rabidly accelerating hyperventilating.
I eventually got up and paced up and down our front room half hoping she would hear me , half hoping she would not , i knew a cuddle from her would calm me but i couldn’t wake her , i prayed dear goddess let her sleep please, do not let her see me like this she already thinks me week.
I knew it would happen it escalated , i tore at my face and neck with what little nails i had in the hope the pain would calm me but i could not rant the skin or bring the blood or the pain i so needed to find focus, i considered the knives in the kitchen draw and my thighs but right now would it stop with a few cuts probably not.
I paced more rapidly tears now falling down my face and breath coming in laboured gasps , fits of coughing over taking me as the panic increased, and emotion took over all control gone.
I pinched myself hard and deep but the pain was not enough , i wished for her teeth in my shoulder or neck the deep bite , the pain which would overtake this panic and stop it dead , but i could not wake her, that would not be fair. I wished for the paddle on my bum the 20 or 30 strokes that would see me in fits of tears and relinquishing control back to her , but i could not wake her to beg for something right now i knew she would not do.
I paced …. and cried…
The sobs raked my body as gradually i brought myself under control , gradually my breathing slowed , gradually my control , my focus returned , i went and sat on the tip of the bed and listened to her my love my life my everything breathe gently as she slept.
I was back under control now i hugged myself as as i cried gently into the pillow.
I got up and poured a fiery whiskey , picked up the cat who had watched this whole affair with what i think passes for Cat like concern and hugged him to my breast as i cried into his silky fur, for once he did not object.
Then i sat and wrote this , i don’t know why i wrote this i guess this is a private affair – but somehow i need to tell someone and right now the one i would tell sleeps next door, so instead i give a private piece of my life to you my friends.
