Enough is enough!

• Posted by Andie Priscilla Swainson May 31, 2015 1,251 views
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  Turns out life does not begin at 40, it begins at 42 and three quarters. At least that's how it's feeling to me.
  I have known all my life that I am female. As a child no one cared how you acted but as I grew up family, school and all the world, it seemed, decided it was best for me to be a man, it's what I look like after all At times I have tried to be this, everyone longs for acceptance and it was one of those times that has brought my life to a head and ended my fear in confronting myself and who I am.
  Around a year ago I made a resolution to give up my feminine interests and to try hard to be a happy successful man. I got rid of everything, clothes, shoes, even half way stuff. I tried to take pride in male fashion and appearance, vowed to workout more and build a muscular physique, grew a beard kept my hair clipped and thinking it would be a male sport, took up martial arts.
  I was wrong about the martial arts class (some nights there are more women than men!) and a deep trusting friendship began between myself and a woman. She was going through a difficult divorce, escaping a very controlling marriage and a repressed life. I could empathise with that and in her darker moments I kept her company through coffees, shopping and phone messages. She made it quite clear that she was not looking for a relationship, just company and that was good by me.
  I am caring, genuine and kind hearted in my nature and through that people often want to help me. Like many she could see the sadness in my eyes and wanted to boost my confidence. She was going through a tough time and longed for physical closeness which she got through close friendships with men but non committing. So to help my confidence she started to flirt, to show me I have desirability by women. So new years eve, totally out the blue after all we'd said about just being friends. She kissed and caressed me and I her. It was awkward and rigid but the kissing and closeness was nice but it felt completely wrong. I sent out some pretty confusing signals after that and I don't think we talked for a week or more.
  I hadn't been physically close to anyone in ten years and the rising confusion mulled in with an ever increasing panic of increasing isolation brewed in my head until it became too much. Following a stressful incident at work I had a mental breakdown. I just felt so lost and condemned to live a life that dosent belong to me. I became suicidal. It was not the first time, though I'm no drama queen.
  
  I thought I was alone. I don't mean that I didn't know other women were going through this, just that Noone was reachable by me. Turns out I was wrong and a great many of my friends, despite my best efforts refused to let go. What happened next was unexpected but so very welcome. ♥