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"i think therefore i am."
I wish it were that easy for me.
I've been thinking an awful lot this last week. i'm having what i can only call my "breakout phase!" Trouble is i used to have these phases every few months but this one is almost a year in the making.
I have repressed myself so hard that when my lovely gf went away for the week, i intended to, harmlessly at first, dress up a few times and enjoy my time, except that didn't happen.
I've lived full time all week so far and i'm in serious danger of wanting to leave everything behind and do something stupid. I'm plucking eyebrows, shaving legs, chest, arms and face applying make up, the usual but i still feel like i'm missing something. i feel like i'm missing something so deeply no matter what i do to my body the outcome is still i look like a man and it breaks my heart.
I can't eat, sleeping 4 hours a night or less and i'm feeling depressed.
I know i'm trapped in a useless shell. i've known this for years. trouble is my conscience will not let me go further.
I'll hurt the ones i love, lose them and i cannot bear to be alone.
its gone beyond the fabric of cloth. its the fabric of my very soul that has me wishing more than ever for release. my gp has been no help and i'm sort of losing it.
today (Friday) i'm off to the hairdressers. i have long shoulder length hair and i want it styled in a lovely layered look, preferably with highlights but i have no confidence. i'm frightened i'll be shown up and humiliated. why is life like this? why must i feel like i'm a freak, not deserving of the rights and privilages shown to genetic women. i often wonder why i don't have confidence and a whole list of things come to mind. childhood bullying, crippling shyness, lack of focus because i'm so unhappy. thats just a few. as the years roll on i know i'm missing out on the best years of my life. can i truly be happy or am i doomed to constantly yo-yo back and forth between realms? tormenting myself because at the end of the day i don't have the courage or fortitude to do what i want and what my body and mind yearns for.
when my gf comes back she'll notice the lack of body hair, she'll understand but not know what i'm going through. then i'll be back in my box. held in a prison of shirts, beards, trousers, male bravado and lies.
well thats my first blog dunno if its any good but it felt good at last to write down my feelings. if anyone reads this and wants to get in touch please feel free. i just have to have a voice somewhere.
Faye x
