Posted by wendy larsen
April 3, 2005
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
891 views
I still have some fairly significant issues to deal with in the TG aspects of my life. However, for the first time since last May, those parts of my life that are NOT about being TG are the most siginificant issues I have to deal with. Oh, I have emotional events that are important. My major goals are related to transgenderism in one way or another, personal, educational, professional. My problems, however, are just normal world problems that would be there whether or not I was TG.
I think, I hope, the internal conflict is over. There are very emotional issues resolving themselves in my head, but the up and down, belief and disbelief, male and female personalities are not playing ping pong inside my skull. I still look for who I really am, but in degrees, not qualitatively. I am stablizing and beginning to have something to build a long-term plan on.
I know I can't go on denying myself, my TG friends, my feelings any longer. I am ready, when the time comes, to say "Yes, I am transgendered...yes, that person is transgendered and is my friend...yes, come on over...of course, you can come dressed as you please and bring whoever you want....yes, come on over and I'll introduce you to some new friends I have met. Not to everyone, for some people cannot deal and must be handled gently. Some people have feelings for me and need to be told privately and at the right time. What I cannot do, is deny my tg friends if asked. I will not make them second-class citizens. I will not play the modal game. I never have before and I wont do it over this. I kept gay friend's business private, for them, but never denied them as friends. This can be no different. Yes, some of my friends are transgendered...you don't have to like it but you do have to deal with it...politely and with respect.
Last May I could hardly bring myself to chat on transgendered chats. I didn't know what to say. I was scared...mostly of discovery. With no fear of that, there can be no fear to speak. I keep an eye out for new girls in chat. I look for signs of that fear. I try to get them to talk. I tell them how it was for me, and how change comes with time and internal acceptance. You cannot stop being afraid unless you stop being ashamed of what you are. For that to happen, you must find understanding, by others, and within yourself. Am I sensitive? Still. Am I going to be defensive? Probably, at times, at first...habits take time to break. Will I have fears? Almost certainly. Admitting to being TG and going out dressed in public are different issues for me. The first is far more important to my life, at present. The second I will deal with because I fear being afraid more than I fear what I am afraid of. Habit again...a good one, for me, that I will continue to utilize. So over the last 10 months, a weakness, a fear, has changed into strength, pride, self-acceptance and, yes, happiness. I did not do this alone. I had lots of help. I found that help here. Help, acceptance, love, understanding and purpose. It was a two-way street, almost from the start. I took and I gave back. So did my sisters. Getting up that cliff was easy with all the hands reaching down to pull me up and pushing from below with voices encouraging. It makes me sad to think that some of my sisters will slip and fall, or even jump, but many many more will make that climb because they came here, to Trannyweb. Somehow, powered by the goodness of her heart and the open-minded way in which she leads, Katie Glover has created a home here. A half-way house for the transgendered. A self-perpetuating sorority of caring people. I am proud to be one of you. Transgendered Pride. It isn't about being better than others. It's about being as good as others. The ones to pity are those that cannot or will not understand who we are.
I could ride the rollercoaser around one more time....but it's never the same, never as scary, after that first time. After all, it WAS just a ride, a way to get from there to here...back where we started but...changed inside.
