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Hehe. Got your attention, did I? No, this is about other parts.
Over the last year I have noticed a dramatic change in my body image and value system. Things about my body that did not bother me a bit or that I even saw as positive (some lovely scars that carried a macho image with them, for example) suddenly became unattractive and I wanted them gone. Scars and other natural and environmentally-induced skin defects and naturally occuring body parts (hair) were suddenly gross, ugly and unacceptable. Even without any thoughts of SRS or even HRT, I was willing to spend large amounts to "perfect" myself. ...I have a little list, of things that won't be missed.
For the last year, I have focused on forcing the medical community to treat a nail infection that distorted my big toe nail. I wanted that nail clean and clear and normal when I put on sandles. I fought a losing battle with doctors whose value system did not match my new, femme value system. They worried about superficial body parts like my liver and kidneys (I've got two, don't I? Geez, dont' make such a big deal) Well, I lost and my nail distorted and grew down into my toe, causing it to be inflammed. I waited 5 months for them to (In their great concern for my health) give me an appointment with a Podiatrist, while I wondered if I would lose the toe and spent a lot of effort keeping the downward growth as controlled as I could with a nailfile. Two weeks ago, convinced that my diabetes was NOT in control because I could not do my 2-3 mile run every day because of the inflammed toe, my physician decided the danger to my health was greater than Diflucan and started me on a 6 month regimen that should have been finished before the end of last year. Today I went to the Podiatrist...the ones who didn't want to treat me with Diflucan, while the nail was less distorted, almost a year ago. At last, I would finally get a toenail that would allow me to wear sandles again without embarassment (which I never felt as a "male-gender person". Then the doctor told me. "We have to cut away your nail and pull it out by the root. It may or may not grow back and if it does it could take years." I can hardly describe the reaction. In the past I have shrugged off 4" long 1/4" wide scars, facial scars, broken teeth, sports and accident injuries....hey, it will look real cool, people will think I"m tough and rugged....
I was sick. They wanted to cut off my nail. I would have a nail-less big toe on one foot, forever ugly and unfeminine. I could not wear nail polish on my toenails at all, ever or I would draw attention to the ghastly horror of my foot. The alternative was risking losing the toe, almost certain to happen eventually. All it was was a toenail. But to Wendy it represented a loss that affected what little physical femininity I have. I will never pass. I'm large and masculine. I scare guys on the street at night. The point is, my mental response to the situation had changed drastically. Can this just be "learned" behavior or is there a "ROM chip" for homme and and one for femme responses in a TG brain. Am I running on different programming, or have I just abandoned the reprogramming I was forced to do to survive in a male world. I just know that I was physically ill at the thought of losing that nail...not the proceedure...the loss of the nail and what it did to my femme image.
Ok, before you get too upset, it turns out they only want 10% of the nail on one side...the inside edge. It might even grow back, but it will not be noticable and not polishing a bit of the left side nail will balance it out, the way not doing the edges of your fingernails with polish makes them look smaller, longer and more feminine in shape. I will decide this month but I have an appointment for early August to have minor surgery with local anesthetic. Perhaps if I agree to tell them everything I know they will relent on pulling my nails out by the roots or just put burning bamboo slivers under them. :-/
The point here is, Has my brain changed, changed-back, or am I simply letting out feelings I was conditioned to bury all my life. I know I have aversion to cosmetic damage all my life, but other factors overwhelmed them...like being macho. I just know that I dont want to give up a sliver of what little femme appearance I have. It feels like .......a mini-mastectomy........something which cuts off a part of my femininity, not a macho scar to laugh at with my buddies over a flagon of Klingon Blood Wine and fresh Gaaak.
Where did that terrible sense of loss come from? The emotional response is strange, different but awful. I'm grateful that it will not be the massive damage i first imagined. I have TS sisters out there who have dealt with this, about their entire body, all their lives. I have TS sisters who would rather die than live in their bodies as they are. I cant imagine how much their level of distress must be if I feel this way over a single toenail. They must be very strong and very certain of who they are. I hope, someday soon, that I can do something to help some of them get what they need. I promise to be a bridge-builder and not a gatekeeper for my sisters. Better one suicide over a mistake in letting someone transition than a hundred suicides over not being allowed to live their life. I don't believe you need to be TG to be a good gender therapist but, like being a 12-step counsellor, it can't hurt. When a therapist's issue becomes protecting themself, rather than helping their client, something important and desirable is lost.
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p.s.
I'm not sure I expressed myself the way I wanted to above. I have had a couple of nice comments that make me thing that my point of focus was unclear. What I wanted to say was that I found it interesting how differently my mind/emotions dealt with this than I would have a year ago. I wonder why this happens. Why was it such a terrible thing to have happen now but not back then? I meant to focus on the change in reaction rather than the distress I experienced. Anyway, the proposed treatment seems to be within tolerable limits of aesthetics so I am much less bothered than when the doctor first started talking about pulling my nail out. I have gotten many good things from the change in my life and one has to accept that good change will bring some new pain as well. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." (TANSTAAFL)
