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Well, have had some awful adventures since my last post.
The surgery was terrifying. I lost my long time fear-blocking ability. I knew it was minor and was not dangerous, but they would be sticking long, nasty needles into the nerves of my foot to block the pain. I HATE needles. I was sweating, almost shaking and more scared than I can remember being in my adult life and I've been in *much* more dangerous stituations without appreciable fear. Well, you get something, you give something up. Now I'm not afraid of losing part of my nail. I'm afraid of the pain. Well, I draw a student podiatrist! Now I'm really freaked out. Well, she was wonderful. I didn't feel a thing until days after the surgery when the injection sites were sore. Good job, doc. Clearly, there is more than a 10% width diffference in my nails, but the nailpolish trick will work. The only bad news, they didn't take the nail root and, when the nail grows in I may need a second surgery to remove the root if the nail grows into the nailbed again. But, why is this important enough to blog about? It is the first time since I became a macho male, to escape the fear in my life, that I faced that fear again. Will I face this fear again? Where? When? How will it effect my life? I"m alive today because I was able to ignore danger and function. Can I do that now? Well, life was not worth living anymore before Wendy. That pretty much answers the question if risking fear again is worth it. How much fear is worth living my life the way that feels right? There IS more to fear than fear itself. Fear is sometimes a price we must pay to live.
I have been through almost 6 months of repeated threats and assaults upon the lifestyle, property, peace and bodies of myself and the person I love most among all others in the world. I have been repeatedly injured, costing me pain, money and dreams and am in pain as I write this.. She was nearly killed and is in much pain. The one good thing that it has brought me is the knowledge that I am different. I deal with things differently now. I gave up an insane macho attitude that would have killed me by now. In doing so, I allowed myself to be there to do good for those I care about. To do otherwise would have been selfish and suicidal. As I have said before, it was time to give up the wrong road I took many years ago. I feel really good that I have been unselfish and been there for others instead of protecting a macho image that had developed negative value. There have been secondary payoffs that have made the change sweeter. I have lost 6 months of my planned life changes but I'm alive and still have my friend. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it felt while it was going wrong.....but....anybody got a dozen muscle relaxers they can loan me until Tuesday?
Now I face a month of struggling to catch up financially so that I can make Fantasia Fair in mid October. It's going to be a close run thing with my back out again. It will be nothing like I dreamed that it would be but it will be worth it under any conditions.
