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Plan for 2006. Come out to select people in my life. Start going out in public en femme. Get out into my own place and see what happens when I spend a lot more time dressed and completely free to be naturally myself
Time: 30 minutes after midnight, January 1st, 2006 - The right situation occured by accident. My van died and my ex and I were stuck, on New Year's Eve, waiting for a taxi. I had already decided to tell her, and had almost told her, but the right situation in time and location had not occured. Now, suddenly, I had a minimum of 90 minutes of quiet and privacy alone with her. I opened my mouth to speak and froze. Why? Why was I suddenly afraid. I knew she would not reject me. She is knowledgable on matters of Brain sex/gender and very accepting. She had twice told me she thought it would be fun to have a CD husband, not knowing I was TG. It was definitely not fear of her response. So what did I fear? I have shared my name, address and phone number with a number of TG friends. It was none of them or her I feared. I have shopped for clothing and my face has been seen. It was not those contacts I feared. But I was afraid....of something. I think it was that I was symbollically taking a giant step back and then taking the path I did not see as a child....the one I was nudged, pushed, driven from. The one I did not know was even there. I think what I feared was what I feared as a child coming back for me. But I'm not a child. I'm a deadly, large individual. It's not the physical threat that is frightening....it is the emotional threat. The fear of verbal abuse and rejection. Nobody messes with Him, but some will almost certainly mess with Wendy. I believe this is what I feared, not telling my ex. It was the "big, hairy, purple, clawed and fanged, venomous creature" lurking behind. Well.....better dead than not-alive. "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived". I told my ex.
What followed is private and complex and I won't get into details. Acceptance was immediate and far greater than I could have imagined in my wildest fantasy. The only negative reaction was about my not telling her 20 years ago. Of course, I couldn't because I didn't really understand what I was, but she made it clear we both would have had a lot of fun that we missed. She also saw, right away (damn clever woman), that Wendy was what was missing from our relationship that might have saved it. Parts of me that were locked away, unused. I have to say that is was probably the best discussion we ever had about our relationship.....and her acceptance...she was nothing short of wonderful...it was the best of her that I have ever seen. I guess all my bad luck the last year was saving up good luck for that moment. It was definitely worth it. Happy? I can't tell you. Eight days later I'm still happy....and now it's not just being not-depressed. I am genuinely happy. We have spoken on the phone twice and communication remains warm and fun. I plan to work hard to keep it like this. IN addition. I'm finally ME. I'm now learning to live the way I always should have, not that psuedo-macho crap I copied to fit in the way I was told to. It's up to people to accept me, because I'm through with the charade. Nothing and nobody is worth that living Hell of being somebody else.
I realize that I maxed out and got a bonus besides. I wish everyone could have this kind of acceptance. With friends like this it's easy to find the strength to go foward. I have lost nothing and gained much, but it could have been very different....but then I would not have told her if I did not trust her with my life. I am sad about the pain so many of my sisters have from telling their S.O. and friends. Well, I was due for some good luck in relationsips. However, had it gone badly, I would still press ahead. I know this is the right path for me and I must walk it no matter what obstacles I run into. Why? Because being Him wasted my life as I lived His life. And the GUILT !!!!! Forget it. All I am doing is being me. I didn't make me this way. I am TG and I will live TG from now on. The fact that happiness and enjoyment is far outstripping the negative side is a big help. No more rushing to get changed back into drab. That has been dying for some time now. You have to practically use a crowbar to get me out of my girl clothes. I'm Wendy now, growing stronger all the time. Is my twin still there? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Wendy isn't going away. Drab, drag, whatever. She Lives! Still deadly but much, much less dangerous. Much, much happier.
