-
Posted by wendy larsen
May 11, 2007
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
950 views
This is a forum post that I wanted to save as a blog as well. I need to remember this day, this feeling.
****************************************
As usual, something else, in this case the "Letter to yourself at 17" thread, has broken loose part of myself that was "stuck".
My friend is currently dealing with this issue of being TS, wanting to transition, and knowing she will never, ever "pass" as a girl. Not knowing if it is worth it to even try to live life where she can't be (physically) anywhere near what she want's to be. Many of you are thinking about having SRS. She's thinking about having bone-shortening surgery as well. She was born with the "double-tap" of being both TS and IS....Kleinfelter's Syndrome most likely.
[URL]http://www.ksa-uk.co.uk/[/URL]
She can't believe that professionals will even bother to help someone so "hopeless" as her to transition. I know this is not true but she feels her gatekeepers will judge her on her ability to pass....all Harry Benjamin Guidelines aside.
She has the muscle structure of a girl on a 6' 4" tall frame with a large rib cage. While she has a good facial structure for FFS success, she faces all the problems of both a tall gg and a TS in blending into the environment and finding clothes and shoes. She's faced abuse and discrimination all her life....as a male and now as a deeply closeted TS. Her mother's first response to realizing her "son" was "different" was to out "him" to the extended, redneck family in a river of ignorance and misinformation. Combined with a few insensitive and self-centered T girls' egotistical and abusive input, she is, naturally, even more depressed and hopeless. In short (not really a short list at all), without family support, with two friends who are 3000 miles away, after a life of being humiliated for her failure to live up to male expectations and now facing one of being one of the tallest TS in the world, victim of an arrogant and ignorant doctor and parental neglect she is in a situation that would make anyone suicidal. Now I have, so far, been able to live with who and what I am and what I will never be. For me being myself in my head is a major blessing and I have that to hang onto. For her, this is not enough. She has always had this. What I see as my "gift" is her cross to bear. I can't tell her it will be ok. It won't. She faces, at best, a life that will be tougher than most TS (can you imagine?). At best. How do you convince someone who has had nothing in their life that you can lose the thing that means the most to you and still find happiness in life that makes it worth living. I did this by becoming a nurse and giving part of myself to help others. Perhaps that nurturing others side of me is what kept Wendy alive on "life support" all these years until she awoke from her "coma". What I'm feeling after the "Letter to yourself at 17" thread has hit me so hard that I suddenly feel her despair so deeply......I'm not sure I could stand to live my life again as "male" with what I know.... how do I convince her, who has never had the happiness I have experienced, that life without our first dream can still be worthwhile. It seemed so obvious to me....before today....now I see her side of this so clearly.
Some of you know most of this from her being here and telling us three years ago and from relatively recent events. I'm not really looking for an answer to a question. I guess I'm more verbalizing what I'm feeling about how my understanding of my self, as well as her, has changed by just thinking about what my young self would do if I had had the knowledge I do now. What still lies within me not yet fully accepted. How to cope with a brain that seems part male and part female. Before today, the idea that I would rather be dead than not TG had been there. Never before have I thought that living my life as a male again might be an option I could not live with a second time. It won't happen, of course, but it is scary how I feel about it. Scary for that teenager I left behind in time. I would have thought the fear would be, as it was, fear of living with my female side exposed. I would never have dreamed that it could be fear of living with my female side hidden. Fear of making that mistake a second time.
What would I do without all of you? You are my anchor, my safety line, my path to enlightenment. How do I convince my friend that this is a place of refuge and comfort when she remembers it for a few T girls who behaved as if how you look, not how you feel, is the focus of our world? I love her and would do anyting for my friend but I really am feeling, in my current overstressed state of personal problems, real and emotional, overwhelmed and inadequate at times.
***
I think that was a girl thing. I'm not sure I'm really looking for any of you to fix it. I just needed to vent. A good cry and a chance to talk about it. Of course, any viable suggestions will be most welcome, as always.
