Posted by wendy larsen
June 4, 2007
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
1,109 views
It happens every time.
I'm still amazed when it happens. I dress and more of Wendy comes out. Not just the parts that I "put away" when I go back to living my drab life. New bits that I have never seen/felt before. Sometimes it's dramatic. Sometimes it's an expansion of something that has been there before.
I've thought before about moving to West Hollywood and living openly TG for at least a year. A year as Wendy with no "shut down" periods. True, I'm now just Wendy in disguise instead of Him when drab. Habits are hard to break. It's easy to run on the habits of a lifetime instead of as I would if free to. It's easy to play a part if you "believe it", if you "live it". So parts of me fade down in to the character who is Him. Who came to life and took over my life...and locked me away Up In the Loft. Next you start telling yourself that something may not be a good idea. Facts are objective but feelings are subjective and subject to disbelief.
Yesterday I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I dressed on a day when my roommates were only gone for most of the day, rather than overnight, with no fixed return time. I don't do this because it's stressful Something that once excited me but no longer does. It implies a denial of who I am. I may not be willing to come out to everyone yet, but neither am I willing to live it in any way that causes a negative association. I love being Wendy and I won't contaminate it. So, when I dress, I live it and live it without stress or fear. I don't keep things hidden away...I live as if it's my normal life. If I soak in the jacuzzi, the door is open so I can listen to the stereo. If someone comes in....then I'm Out. Wendy is strong enough to say "Because I'm transgendered, of course." if that happens. It's a balance that works for me right now. Doing it when I have less than a day with no definite time for a safety window does not work for me. I feel rushed. I like to take my time....to revel in the experience of taking hours to clean, shave, moisturize, powder, put on a silk robe, pick an outfit...clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup. It's like a Zen meditation that completely awakens Wendy. I learned it to prepare for combat, but it can be used to change diapers, trim the bushes in the yard or any other activity that you want to train your mind to fall into. Perhaps I will role play a fantasy life, often I just do ordinary things with all of me alive....play games, clean, cook, chat online....I never know beforehand, just as I never know what I will wear.
So it was this time. I enjoy the unplanned spontenaity of my mind as Wendy. My old life was planned and organized over and over. I still do that for what matters but I like to just "go with it" when it doesn't. I'll plan for a weekend alone. I'll shop for what I'll need, a pair of shoes, stockings, foundation and cook ahead of time, bake a cake or cookies, Ice some vodka or chill some wine. I reorganize my room to get access to Wendy's things. As the day approaches and before my roommates leave I am cleaning the last of whatever mess they will leave behind, like a sink and counter full of dirty dishes and food. When they walk out the door I clean the living room that I seldom am in normally. Having a clean and ordered house, and particularly kitchen, to live in is an additional joy. Once my weekend starts....it's all about the moment. It's complete freedom, no stress. Wendy has no holds on her. Sometimes I dance. Sometimes I sit outside, under the orange tree, with a drink. Sometimes I do what I would on any other day if the house was full of people....except for how I'm dressed.
This time I had been feeling a need and, when I was faced with a sudden day alone, I decided to let go. It was all too short, so I cleaned up behind me, retired to my room, locked up with most of a pizza and with a cold bottle of Coke Zero in a cooler. Still en femme. I put on the radio, oldies station. He never does that. Wendy often does when alone. The period of music will often relate to my fantasizing what my life would have been like then if I had taken a different path or been born on one. It helps me to figure out what it is I really want now. Immersion in all the possible variations is enlightening. It tends to remove prejudices, open my mind to possibilities and help me find the right path. Often a path I would never have guessed. So you see why I am adamant about only doing this when I have no inhibitions to contaminate the experince.
I napped for two hours, woke to chat with Jess, back to sleep at 6pm until the next afternoon. Half-waking periodically to enjoy the feeling of being half-dressed, stockings against my legs, bejeweld hoop earrings against my neck, warm in a long-sleeved, leotard. A quick drink of coke, medication and back to sleep. Best sleep in weeks. Good dreams and half-wakes that were like another dream. The hell with the world. I was still alive.
Surprise, today they had gone out again. I woke, but was not sure as there is no parking on the street this week and I wasn't going full drab to find out. Just enjoyed lying in bed, chatting with Jess and Matt. So content.
Then it happened. I needed to eat...I had crackers instead. I was thirsty...still had coke on ice. I put off the moment. The one I always dread. The one that could become a problem if I allow it to be. Going drab. Locking down my feelings. Barriers up to prevent FSL (Femme-Side Leakage). [This is hopeless, btw, when I go shopping with my SO....my enthusiasm is very public and not very male...undoubtable leading to the numerous verbal interactions I get from other ggs while out. I suspect they envy my SO a "man" like me that they can enjoy shopping with...like a guy loves a woman who is a sports fan or likes deer hunting. Perhaps I give them a brief fantasy of how it is to have such a man around or perhaps I just trigger their natural girl-to-girl urge to talk about clothes and shopping. In any event Wendy breaks loose and I never see it coming until it's too late...and then I don't care. ]
I'm having too much fun to care what anyone thinks. I'm happy, really happy. Not just not-unhappy but I'm having fun. So is Sundance and that just makes it all so much better. So as I enjoyed the situation today I realized that was how I felt. I resented having to put it aside....to put myself aside. I realized why I had decided on the year in West Hollywood. How could I have forgotten what it meant. Well, before it must have seemed like a good idea. Today it was different. Today it felt like a good idea. It probably did then too, but the feeling faded. Today it was not just wanting to be able to dress whenever i was home, or even to walk to the corner store or eat out en femme. Today I didn't want to ever have to be in drab. Today was the first time I deeply felt the overwhelming need to live as a transgenderist. I don't really knnow why. I probably never will. I like answers with explainations. I've been accused of being too analytical. I am analytical, but not too much. It meets my needs, who Wendy is and was before being buried. I like to know Why. But this is a feeling I don't require an explaination to accept. It is so strong, so much a part of me that I just accept it. The fact that I will never pass does not enter into it. It goes beyond that. It's not what others think of me but how I feel and what I think of myself. WeHo is not the ideal place in many ways. I know because I've lived in Hollywood/Silver Lake. It may prove to be inconvenient for work and for school, for seeing Sundance, for going to the mountains on my days off. There are negatives, the rent rate for an apt being one of them. The up side. Nice neighborhood. GLBT/senior/Hassidic population. Public transportation is some of the best in the city. It's the TG center of L.A.'s nightlife. I can't think of anyplace, short of Provincetown, MA. that is likely to be more accepting. It's a place I can find out who I am if I can do it anywhere. Just dressing every day at home will never be enough. As Lucy Diamond and I agree....it's just a bigger prison, it's not being free. What is the risk of an occassional few minutes of rejection by a stranger versus a life sentence of not being free? It's a question of proportion. At one time it was a few minutes of pleasure and excitement vs a lifetime of rejection and embarassment, not to mention that old boogeyman, the fear of discovery that hangs over us. Now it's a few minutes of rejection and possible embarrassment vs a lifetime of pleasure and happiness. The stakes have changed. The rules have changed. The whole game has changed. Why should I play by the old rules? One of the early things I learned in life was Game Theory. It's always been a good tool for me and this is no different. Feelings aside, the math says I get more from going foward than I would from living as I have. When I add to that how I feel. It's truly a no-brainer. I'm learning to trust my feelings. Wait, did I say that was no brain....no, He said that. It's a different brain. One I love very much.
