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Posted by wendy larsen
February 18, 2008
Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs
1,083 views
Well, today has been a real surprise. Normally I find buried parts of myself after a day or weekend or week alone and en femme when I drop all the day to day "habits". Today I just got up early, baked myself a pizza, gamed a bit on the computer and then went back to my laptop to follow up on some new links. One led me back to my favorite online graphic novel, MISFILED. Short version is that it is a story of a teenage boy who wakes to find himself in the body of a teenage girl. Nothing else is changed in his life and nobody thinks he should be anything else than a girl. Heaven has misfiled him. He's stuck but still a male in his head.
Well, I'd gotten far behind in the story and read for about three hours. Somewhere, about half way through something happened and I found my experience changing. I was feeling things I had never felt before. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. It was confusing....disorienting...new....different. After some time I realized that it was like being young and experiencing things for the first time. A bit scary, a bit exciting, more empathic with the charcters, the certainty and anchor of adult experiences was gone. After a lot of thought I realized that I had entered another closed off part of my true "self". I was looking at being a girl (not a woman) and doing ordinary girl things with an "alien" excitement and desire. The closest experience I have to it is shopping with Sundance like girl friends.
I think the combination of looking at the picturese from the 15th/15th TW outing in the UK combined with MISFILED. The pictures of the outing brought out a feeling of what I am missing, not what I fear. The story created a scenario of being in a gg body, not tg, giving full permission to behave and feel like a female.
This may not make a lot of sense. It's difficult to describe something well when it's new. It was like the first time I took the controls of an airplane and flew it. Scary but fun. There's no real way to describe being up in a light plane until you do it. I suspect there is no way to describe a spa visit until you do it. I also suspect getting a haircut would not be the same experience as having my hair cut and styled in a salon....even if exactly the same things were being done.
The part that drew me up short and made me start asking "what's going on here" is when everyday things and everyday clothes....t shirts, jeans, shoes, etc. did sort of a side dance in my brain and I "got it". I've "skimmed the atmosphere" on that one before and I do wear things like that when cooking and cleaning....but I never really "got it" before.
The thing that is most different about this from previous "eruptions" of my femme side is that I am off balance and uncomfortable. I don't feel right. Partly is that the usual "zen" ritual that takes me there was not invoked. It happened spontaneously and in a house filled with my roommates and was like going down stairs in the dark and "that last one was a big one" feeling as your foot drops an extra 4" onto concrete. The other part is harder to describe. I'm glad it happened but there is this ache of what have I missed and can never have? MISFILED.....the character has what most of us dream of and yet his nightmare is that it is the wrong way for him....but not for me. There is one final prison gate I can't escape from. I'll never be a gg and all the surgery and hormones in the world can't change that or give me my lost life back. This is the first day I have been truly sad since coming to TW. There is this ache in my middle that I haven't felt since the last time I lost someone I truly loved.
